Private Thoughts No More

I’m a very private person. I keep to myself and rarely open up about my private life, even to my closest of friends. Sure there have been the occasional deep, dark secretes that I have disclosed to at least two of the friends in my circle, but for the most part I keep everything about me bottled up. Safely locked behind closed door so that I might take them to my grave. I think it is because of this trait in me that people feel comfortable enough to open up to me and sometimes tell me things I really don’t want to know.

I personally believe that is the natural instinct of people, you know, to want to talk about themselves. I am completely the opposite. My theory is that you don’t need to know a damn thing about me, because I don’t know enough about you to trust that you want tell my business. I know, it’s a sucky theory, but it works for me. The reality is that no one can ever say that they know me because I have never felt close enough, safe enough, around anyone to completely open up to them. That being said, I have shared moments, memories and dreams with you could people that I have never shared with family or friend, because of the fear of being judged or misunderstood. I gotta say, for good or for bad, I feel like you people get me. You understand me and you are not going to try and spare my damn feeling by telling me something I want to hear. Some of you are going to give it to me, right out the ass. LOL

Anyway, for whatever reason, people sometimes trust me with things that I am meant to keep to myself, and I normally do. They were swear me to secrecy and I’ll be like, “who am I gonna tell.” Seriously, I am a homebody. I love to be by myself. Mo people, mo problems, I always say. It’s hard to cause drama with yourself. And I am not one to spread gossip. It is just not in me. I think it is because I know what harm it does. Once, Sgt. Lupe asked me if someone said something negative about her if I would tell her about it. I told her “no”, knowing that the answer she wanted to hear was “yes”. You see, Sgt. Lupe is one of those people who like to roll around in mess, like a dog will roll around on a rotten carcass, if you let it. “Nope, I would not tell you, Lupe. What good would that do? And why would you want me to tell you something that might possible hurt you or cause conflict. If someone is dumb enough to say something negative to me about you, knowing that I consider you to be a friend, then I would say what I could to defend you and move on. Telling you serves no purpose.” That is pretty much what I told her, in a nutshell. And I stand by that.

When I created this blog I did so out of my need to speak out on some of the stupid things that people that look like me do. Things that make the head lines and make us all look bad as a race of people, because people judge us by the actions of the people around us and not by what we do ourselves (did that come out right). Now, I am not exactly sure when it happened, but at some point during the growth of my blog I became the Nigger that I was asking people to look at. I found myself given complete strangers a glimpse into the private me. The me that I keep locked behind closed doors. The me that cusses, masturbates (I don’t masturbate), scratches his ass, and gets hemorrhoids. This blog allowed me to unleash the extrovert trapped within my introvert. It was fun.

The other thing it did was give me the opportunity, if I wanted, to talk about some of the things going on around me. I could let loose on some of the crazy things going on in the world of my friends, because you guys don’t know them and I wouldn’t feel like I was breaking a confidence. However, this weekend I stupidly shut the door on that part of my blog life, when I told two of my dear friends about this blog.

Now, although I change the names to protect the innocent, how can I possible feel free to talk about some of the things that my friends do that trouble me. How can I look for counsel in my blog buddies when I am afraid I might self consciously censor myself, so as not to break a confidence? One of the greatest things about the blog world is its anonymity and I have gone and tossed that all away.

Oh, what a dumb-dumb, chicken little.

I guess I’m going to have to go back to making fun of the high society, low class, brothers and sisters and the stupid things they do. “Kobe, tell me how my ass taste.”

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.