Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Miracles and Movies

First things first. The sky opened up today, the sun shown a little brighter and all of the birds sung in harmony. Oh, and I think Hell might have froze over a little bit, but I’m still unclear on that. That’s right. My brother started work yesterday. Can you believe that. The man has an actual job! I don’t know what it is, or how much it pays and I don’t care. I’m just glad the boy is working! What about benefits, you ask. The benefit is that he starts earning his own money.

Okay, so today, after I found out that my little brother was working, I took my mom to early vote and then we met my two sisters and nephew at the movies. We went to see the Secret Life of Bees. It goes without saying that my nephew wasn’t interested in the movie and I gotta say, I didn’t care for it much my damn self. That’s right, I said it…I did not like the movie, The Secret Lives of Bees! I thought it sucked like a Hover vacuum and I want those few hours of my life back. I seriously almost walked out on it, but I wanted to see how they were going to end it.

My mom and sisters enjoyed it, so maybe I am being too tough on the movie because I read the book. That’s what my older sister said, anyway. And she is probably at least partially right. I was, after all, finding myself comparing it with the book, but I have seen plenty of movies that were based on movies and enjoyed them. The Firm. The Color Purple. The Women of Brewster Place. The Last Unicorn. Yes, The Last Unicorn. Don’t judge me, damn it. Still, I just was not feeling this movie. I just don’t think they did a good job. Even the parts that should have touched me, like May’s (I want say what happened), didn’t.

I think they changed around too many of the significant moments, when they should have stayed more true to the original outline of the book. I mean, I have no problem with people making changes for the screen play, but let those changes add to, not take away from the plot of the movie and the character’s development. Case in point, the reason why Rosaline got beat down and how Lilly actually managed to get her out of the hospital. Why the little boy actually end up in jail. I could name a lot, but those are some of the ones that stood out for me.

And the casting was done poorly. I think that Alicia Keyes, Dakota Fanny and the chick that played May were good in their roles and appropriately cast, but Queen Latifia and Jennifer Hudson did not fit their parts at all. First of all, August should have been an older and thinner woman. Plus, I think that the Queen should have played the part a little less masculine. She just didn‘t come off as a naturally mother type. Then there was Jennifer Hudson’s character. This was not Ms. Hudson’s shinning moment on the big screen. Plus, the character should have been an older, more heavy set woman. She didn’t even make up believe that she chew snuff. They should have made that part more clear. Hell, If I hadn’t read the book I would have just thought her spit was dirty. And what the hell was a Obama/Biden campaign poster doing in the movie? That was just going too far.

Anyway, that is my review of the movie. Hated it! But don’t take my word for it. Like I said, my sisters and mom liked it. However, as for Manny and Me. We be waiting to peep Madagascar 2.
That’s right, baby.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.

I am overjoyed that my little brother got a job. But I gotta admit that I miss seeing his dumb ass.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Family, Gotta Love 'em

I am having so much fun hanging out with my family on my days off. This week I took Monday off so that I could have two good days with my family. I had scheduled to take my mom to the movies to see the Secret Life of Bees, but we had to reschedule for next Tuesday, so one of my other sisters can accompany us. We went to see Eagle Eye instead. It was a toss up between Eagle Eye and Lake View Terrace, but there was a brother outside the theater who said he thought we’d enjoy Eagle Eye better, so we went with his recommendation. My mom liked it, I thought it was okay. Next week, The Secret Life of Bees.

While going to the movies my mom clued me in on all the new drama going on in the family. Well, not exactly new. Just new to me, since I am always the last the know. It would seem that my eldest, big sister, the one who I wouldn’t loan the money too, is having trouble with her common law hubby of over twenty years. (Yeah, what else is new.) Well, apparently he is having an affair, that big sis knows about, and refuses to stop. This has lead big sis into contemplating leaving the bastard. My mom told my sister not to let anyone drive her away from her house. If anyone leaves it should be him. Whatever. I told my mom that I didn’t understand how it was that big sis could be casting stones when she, herself, has been cheating on the man for years. My mom’s answer to that was that big sis had been doing better and cutting back. LOL. I love my mom. She’s got her children’s backs.

Anyway, I wasn’t surprised by the fact that the bastard was having an affair (not that this use of bastard is not meant with love), but what my mom told me next kind of blew me away. The person that the bastard is having an affair with is his cousin. Now I don’t know if it is a first, second or third cousin and I don’t care. It is his cousin. Yall know that shit is just nasty. And it gets better. The apparently this affair has been going on for longer than I’ve been a police officer and I’ve been a cop for a little over ten years now. The kicker is that this affair is known by his mother, who I am told condones the affair and has let it take place in her house. This is a woman that I always thought my sister was close too, but apparently not as close as I thought. Oh, oh, and get this. Now his mother is about to lose her house to bankruptcy and they are also fighting about the possibility of her coming to live with them if this happens. (Just for the record, they already live right down the block from his mother to begin with. Literally less than a block away.)

Then I learnt more about my little brother’s affair with forty-one year old married woman. I am still trying to understand this one and am very disappointed in my little brother. My mom finally told me that she was going to kick my little brother out over this affair, because she didn’t raise him this way, but then she prayed about it and decided better of that decision. She is hoping that he will come to his senses. Well, the woman came over while I was there and I was able to confirm that it was the chick he was locked up in his bedroom with the night I brought over Little Leroy. I had to let my mom know that this woman is up in her house at night time as well. I had to ask my little sister if the woman had a job, because I don’t see how she is able to be over to the house during the daytime and night time hours. And how dumb is this chicks husband. I watched The Family That Preys and thought that there was no way that a husband could be that clueless of his wife’s infidelity, but I stand corrected. I was told that the man has been over to the house to help fix his son, ex-twenty-three year old cuddy buddy to my little sister. So, he is definitely aware of my family’s involvement in his family’s life.

Now, get this. My sister said that the woman tries to cook for the family. And yesterday, while I was over, they, meaning my little brother, the MLF (Mother’s we’d Like to Fuck), and her twenty-three year old son, was over cleaning up the backyard. I am talking racking up leaves, picking up debris, the works. Then they sat back there and smoked and drunk alcohol (something that we don’t normally do in my family). An wonders of all wonders. My big sis that I was talking about came over and joined them. Well, big sis, is ghetto hood and she will turn on your ass in a minute. It was around eight o’clock, and I was in the family room with little sis, when I heard yelling. I don’t know what was said, but the woman eventually went home. LOL.

I told little sis it was her fault for bringing that mess into the family. I jokingly asked her if she thought it was incest to be dating the son of her twin brother’s forty-one year old mistress. She let me know that she was not apart of that mess and was trying to get little brother out of it. She and I are still dumb founded by the fact that the twenty-three year old is not only okay with, but friends with the man his mother is cheating on his father with. WTF.

I still don’t know what she sees in my little brother. He will turn thirty on the third of November. And although he has a college degree, he ain’t doing shit with it. And, yesterday I had to tell his damn pant up from under his ass cheeks and remind him that he was about to be thirty and too old to be wearing his clothes like that.

Anyway, I still had fun. At around nine that night we finally reached an understanding to the game I bought over for us to play. Rummikub. It was hella fun and my little brother came in and played with me and mom. The little bastard won too. He makes me sick. He just has a knack for games. Drives me crazy. But I laughed so much. My mom thinks that she should get forever to play, but as soon as it was little brother’s time she was like, hurry up! It is so funny. And big sister came in to watch and instigate. It is like this with any game we play, other than spades or dominos.

I love my family. They even made me forget the drama going on at work, if only for a moment and time. I am going over there again today. My mom is biting on the bit for another game of Rummikub. I love her, but I’m gonna have to whoop her ass in some Rummikub.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.

Isn’t it funny, about blogs I mean? In real life, I would never put my family’s dirty laundry out in the street like this, but in blog land I get to let it all blow free. I love you guys.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Monday, October 20, 2008

So Damn Mad

I am so mad right now I am seeing red! I don't think I have ever been this angry, in my entire life! I wish I could put my anger into words, but they are too mangled to typed.
Have you ever heard of someone being livid? Well, I am actually livid!
-One Man's Opinion. Peace.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Open You Minds, Damn It!

I have something for people to ponder before the big election and during the big debate.
I have been keeping my eye on this election more so than any other. And why wouldn’t I? this election is going to be historical in one way or another. Either we will have I very first black president or our very first female vice-president. Wow,. Who would have thought it, be here we are.

So, that being said you would have think just how much thing have changed and how far we have come. Instead all we learn is just how much more racist and sexist this world is. People who want to compare Obama to Curious George. Not because Curious George is a cute little, mischief maker, but because he is a monkey. People telling Hillary, when she was running, to make them a sandwich. Now, with Pailin, they are already to exploit the fact that she is an attractive woman and a porn is about to be made with a woman that bares a striking likeness to the Governor of Alaska.

Why is it that we can’t just look at these people like people? I had no problem with Hilary being President or Obama’s running mate, until she started playing dirty pool and I lost respect for her. Not as a woman, but as a person. Although I knew it was a ploy to get the female vote, I had no problem with Governor Pailin. Until I listened to he speak on some of the topic and found out that she was an idiot. Okay, maybe idiot isn’t the right word. Let’s go with ignorant. Ignorant of the game. Ignorant of policies. Ignorant of the facts. Okay, let’s go back to idiot. And before you say that there are plenty of Americans that the same came be said for, please remember that those Americans are not vying for the number two position as Chief of State.

The day before yesterday, I was the Station Sergeant so I spent the entire night doing paper work and watching news shows that would speak to the candidates and their running mates. I am not much of a news person, but I gotta say that I found myself becoming immerged in all of the information, both fact and fiction. I was also amazed at how closed minded people can be, failing to evening be open to seeing where their side might be wrong and the other side might be right. The officer (female) who came into work the office that morning, is a hardcore McCain supporter. And it’s not that she loves McCain, it is that she hates Obama. She actually told me this. And I hate to call her racist, because I like this female (white), besides her husband is a brother. Anyway, I was kidding her about McCain being behind and the polls. You know what the heifer said? She said, “Her only hope was for all the bigots to get together and vote against Obama.” Now, to be honest, I thought that was funny as hell. I actually cracked up because I know that although she was joking, a many of honest statements are said in jest.

I personally have been keeping an open mind. I have been listening to the debates. Hearing what is being said by each candidate. Judging each on their own merits. Sure, as a black man I am dick hard excited about the prospect of someone who looks like me making it into the head chair. However, if I vote for Obama, will it be just because he is black? Hell, no. If that was the case I would have voted for Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton. No, Obama is bring something to the table that has nothing to do with his color.

So, why is it that white people ask the question of black people; “If Obama was white would you still vote for him?” My answer to that somewhat racist question is, “Mother fucker, if McCain was black would you being voting for him.” How about we all just close our eyes, tape cardboard over our television screens, and just listen to the issues at hand and vote for the person who actually has our best interest in mind. Because, let’s face it, people. Right now, black, white, male, female, we are all getting fucked together.

-One Man's Opinion. Peace.

Oh, and just for the record. If for some reason you are still unable to make a decision.....Vote for the brother. CHANGE. Come Help A Negro Get Elected.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Did You Ever?

Yesterday I had trouble sleeping because this bitch of a sergeant (male) resent me to rude ass email. I promise you, I am going to beat his unprofessional ass. I ain’t lying. Anyway the email bade me so mad that I couldn’t even sleep prior to going to work, which lead to me being hella tired at work. Sgt. Lupe drove me around and my ass was nodding off in the car like nobody’s business. That is until we got the burglary in process. Needless to say I was all over that and I assisted in capturing two of the three bastards. Can you believe that one of them was only 15 years old, the other seventeen. Of course you can, but that is not what this post is about. Although, just for the record, I still believe that if you are still of school age, look like me and I catch you committing a crime…Instead of taking you to jail I need to have the right to take off my belt and whoop your little ass.

Anyway, so I veered completely off topic her. So, back to not being able to sleep to save my life, prior to going to work. I telling you I was hyped up for a fight and wondering how I was going to have this confrontation with Sgt. Asshole, without losing my temper (I still have not lost it and I promise you it is a daily task with the idiots that I encounter on a daily basis). So, as I am laying in bed my mind began to wonder. I began to think about my step-father and how he was mean to me. Which lead to me thinking about my childhood. Growing up with two older sisters, before the twins were born. Which lead to me thinking about the time I walked in on my mom and step-father having sex. AGHHHHHH!

Yeah, not to traumatizing.

It happened quit innocently enough. You see, my family didn’t have much money and we only had two television. A black and white one that my grandmother had given to me and one of my sisters and the one in my parents room. Of course, being the baby boy, my sisters hogged the black and white television and I didn’t want to watch what they were watching, so I ventured into my parents room to see if I could watch television with them. Now mind you, this was on a Saturday, in the middle of the day, and I was nine years old. I know I was nine, because I am ten years older than my little brother and sister.

Anyway, so I walk through the house and open the door to my parents room and what to my wondering eyes should appear? Yeah, you guessed it. Nothing pretty. All I remember was my mom on top of my step father and naked asses. Oh, and the shocked look on both of their faces. I don’t know what the fuck they were shocked about. I was the one expecting to watch the Rifleman only to end up trying to burn my eyes out with Clorox (not really, but you get my drift). Of course I immediately shut the door and walk stiff leggedly back into the area of the house where my sisters were. And I’m telling you it most have registered all over my face, because they was asking me “what happened, One man.” “What’s wrong.”

Of course I didn’t answer them. I mean, how do you tell your sisters they you just saw your parents having sexual relations. Plus, no one had explained to me the facts of life and I had no idea what the fuck I had walked in on. I just know that it was wrong for me to see and that I was extremely embarrassed.

Now, if that wasn’t bad enough, we end up having a family meeting that night. Now, keep in mind I just want to block the shit out. Have that whole repressed memory thing going on, that you read so much about. But uh, no. My step-father and his overly religious ass, had to give up this talk about Noah and how one of his sons had stumbled upon the drunken Noah naked. And how God had cursed Noah’s son for peering upon his fathers naked body. I kid you not. Can you believe that shit? So not only was I already traumatized by the events of the day, not to mention having to miss the Rifleman, but now I had to worry about God smiting my ass for seeing my step-father naked. Lucky for me that I never considered the bastard as much of a father figure, so I rationalized that I was alright. Oh, and did I mention that this little talk just resulted in my sisters prodding me even more to find out what I had seen. Uh, take a guess bitches. I can’t say it. If I say it, my tongue with turn to maggots and I will be struck dumb right on the spot.
Anyway, this is the first time in my whole life that I have ever recanted that story and I choose to share it with my blog family. Now don’t you feel special?

So, my question to you. Have any of you good people every walked in on your parents having sex? I know I ain’t the only one. I’m probably just the only one who didn’t know what the shit was called at the time I was witnessing it. Oh, and probably the only one who was made to feel like I was going to go to hell for my innocent transgression.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.

Okay, Freedom. Go ahead and break down the details about Noah and his son seeing him naked. You know you wanna.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I Love My Mommy!

Here she is; the love of my life. Yeap, this is Mother One Wo-Man. Is she sweet? Yeah, I know you can’t tell by a picture, but my mom is the nicest woman you ever want to meet; so kind hearted and gentle. She is both my heart and my heartache. But she’s that’s kind of heartache that lets you know that you are alive.

I am so much like my mom, it is a shame. We are both gentle in nature, and very non-confrontational. My mom just takes it to the next level. You know, opening her door up to the world. It is very uncommon to hear my mom speak an unkind word about anyone. When I grew up I never heard speak ill about anyone and I think it played a big role in who I am today. Well, her and my grandmother, of course.

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday, and I spent fifteen hours of the day with her. I started off headed to the Ihop, over in her area, to get her a Belgium Waffle breakfast, but the Ihop had gone out of business, so I had to go the ghetto route of a Mickey D’s Chicken biscuit and coffee. LOL. I know, but it was the only place that was close and open in the area at six forty-five in the morning. I made it to my mom’s house at 7 and was the first to wish her a Happy Birthday.
It was cool listening as everyone called to wish her a happy birthday. Even my niece’s new beau, who I don’t think she has been dating for a year, called to wish my mom a happy birthday. Which was hella nice. And get this, not only did he call to wish her a happy birthday, but he also bought her a gift of a large print bible. Wasn’t that nice? Almost made me feel bad about charging him up for coming into the house without knocking. Almost. As a matter of fact, I made up a joke about it. Wanna hear it? Here it goes….

Knock, knock.
Whose there?
Police who?
Police knock before entering. Yo ass don’t live here!

He apologized, so it was all good.

Oh, and guess what. My little brother got up early, put on a nice pair of slacks with shirt and tie, and went out on a job interview. Can you believe that shit? I told my mom that most be his birthday gift to her. LOL And get this. Not an unwanted visitor in sight. I didn't have to turn on the thug alert syster or take my gun out of the trunk of my car or anything.

Then my little sister went to get her a birthday cake, with my nephew. Tell me why it read; Happy Birthday, Grandma. What the hell. This ain’t about Manny. How did it go from happy birthday mom to happy birthday grandma? They made that crap up.

Of course, then we went out to dinner. She picked Chilli’s but whatever. It was her day. I gotta say, my little brother's woman and her kids tried to tag alone, but back out when they got the feeling that they were not welcome. Which they were not. I don't know them. I ended up spending a hundred buck on my mom, along with my little brother, sister and nephew, and it was well worth the price. We had a wonderful time! Anything that adds a smile to my mom's face is priceless to me.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace

Oh, and it is called Toilet Paper Foam, not Liquid Toilet Paper. My bad.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I'm Fucking Ben Affleck - Uncensored Sub/High Definition

Sarah Silverman Fucking Matt Damon

Sarah Silverman is a nut. I wanted the unbleeping version, but could not find one. But this is just too funny.

Anyway, this is a Fair day for my family and tomorrow my mommy's birthday, so I'm sure I'll have a blog on that. Plus, are bidding for days off this week, so a lot is going on.

Still, until then, check out this video. It is truly funny.

Sunday, October 5, 2008


Well they finally got him. Yep, The 61-year-old Hall of Fame football star was convicted of kidnapping, armed robbery and 10 other charges for gathering five men a year ago and storming a room at a hotel-casino to seize Simpson sports mementos — including game balls, plaques and photos — from two collectors. Prosecutors said two of the men with him were armed; one testified Simpson had asked him to bring a gun.

What a dumb-dumb, chicken little. Why is it that Simpson could not just sit his dumb ass down and be happy to be free? And it wouldn’t have hurt if he had found some homely, motherly type, sister to settle down with. I mean, hadn’t he already lost enough? His reputation, his kids, his Heisman trophy, his little movie career as an “B” list actor. Seriously. How hard is it to sit your ass down? I’m guessing pretty hard when you are as narcissistic as Mr. Simpson. Oh, no, he had to get right back to the white women, who were too young for his ass, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends date white women. Of course they are white men, but that’s besides the point. Anyway, and if that wasn’t enough, he let someone talk his ass into believing that it would be a good idea to be associated with a book called, “If I Did It.” Negro, is you crazy?

So, of course they found his dumb ass guilty, of twelve very serious charges, on this past Friday. How could they not? After all, they set the trap and he allowed his self to step into it. They might as well just chop off his toes and change his name to Toby right now. He ain’t free. As a matter of fact, because of the serious nature of his crimes O.J. was denied bail. So, they currently have Mr. Simpson isolated from all the other prisoner, for his own safety, where he is currently working on his next book; If I Hadn’t Done It (While awaiting appeal).

To be honest with you, I gotta say that I think O.J. is getting what he deserves. I mean, I’m betting somewhere in the world, Johnny Cochran’s remains are shouting; “What the fuck is wrong with you man!” If you are not smart enough to realize that 13 years later, you are still being heavily scrutinized for the murder of your ex-wife and you are still doing dumb shit; then your ass needs to go to jail. That being said, I can’t wonder just how fair of a trial he received. One of the complaints they are setting forth in his appeal is that there were no black folks on the Jury. Yeah, like that’s new. The second thing is that they believe that the Jury was still bias for the thirteen year old murder, that they felt Mr. Simpson got away with. And I gotta say, I agree with ‘em on that count. Ya’ll know that just about everyone thought this was their chance to finally get O.J.

Oh, well…..

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

It's a Family Affair

So, I have decided that I am going to do everything in my power to spend one of my two days off with my family. And trust me, it ain’t easy. Every time I go over there it more and more drama. Today is no different, even though there was not a crack head insight.

When I first get there I see a little parcel sitting outside of the door, so I pick it up and take it into my mom. She ask me to open, so I take it into the kitchen to cut loose the tape. So, I open the box and unwraps the little item inside. You’ll never guess what was inside. Go ahead. Guess.
You give up? Good, because you never would have guessed.
Inside of the box was this little bottle dispenser of something that was called “liquid toilet paper”. That right, you heard me correctly. LIQUID TOLIET PAPER! What the hell? I take the little item back to my mom, hand it over to her with an, “Ewww”. She informs me that it was a free sample that some company sent to her. Yeah, okay. Still……Ewwww.

Later, my sister invites me to go to my little nephew’s PTA meeting. How cool was that. I’ve never been to a PTA meeting. Not many guys at a PTA meeting. I found that to be interesting. After that my sister goes shopping for the Laptop we want to get my mom for her birthday, next week. She asked me for my debt card and I denied her. She was a little offended and asked me if I trusted her. I told her I didn’t, nor would I trust anyone with my debt card. That is always a bad idea.

My little brother is missing in action all day. My mom told me he was out job hunt, but I believed that like I believe that bees are making honey in my ass channel. Anyway, I am laying in the room with my mom, watching Project Runway when my sister calls to take our dinner order. Someone drives into the yard, not long after. I think it is my little sister, but it turns out to be my little brother. He is outside talking to someone, but I can’t tell who. But I find out when my sister gets back with the food.

“Where you brother at,” I ask.
“He out there talking to my 23 year old, unemployed, criminal boyfriend’s mom.”
“Oh. Why he talking to her?”
“Because they are dating now.”
“What? How old is she?”
“She is 43.”
“Oh. Still, mom can’t tell him who he can and can not date.”
“She’s married. That is why mom threatened to put him out.”

Drama, people Nothing but drama. My brother is dating a married woman, who lives down the street, who is the mother of his friend and his sister’s girlfriend. Now I am wondering if this is the chick he had in his room the night I brought little Leroy over, but I don’t bother to ask the question.

What the fuck is going on with my family, people! What the fuck is going on? So now, besides everything else, I have to worry about some crazy husband coming over to do harm to my brother when he finds out about this affair. It is a serious concern, folks, when you consider that the majority of the men on my mom’s side of the family died violent deaths, before the age of forty.

Uncle one: Shot and killed on Thanksgiving day by the father of the girl he was dating at the time.

Uncle two: Stabbed to death by a jealous cousin, while he sleep.

Uncle three: Taken by a violent illness.

Uncle four: A pre-op transsexual, prostitute. Yeah, he, well she actually killed a prostitute for trying to take over her corner and since he is technically a she now, I guess he doesn’t count anyway. But all the other ones hold true.

I don’t know what I would do if somebody hurt my little brother just because some horny bitch can’t stay true to the commitment she made to her spouse. I don’t know what she sees in my brother anyway. Sure he is funny, handsome and charming, but he is also, lazy, unemployed and living at home with his mother. He husband must really be a loser.

Anyway, my family drives me crazy. If it ain’t one thing it’s another with them. I promise you, if it wasn’t for my mom and my nephew, I would have disassociated myself from them a long time ago. I love them to death, but the drama is either gonna kill me or cause me my job.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.