Wednesday, October 1, 2008

It's a Family Affair

So, I have decided that I am going to do everything in my power to spend one of my two days off with my family. And trust me, it ain’t easy. Every time I go over there it more and more drama. Today is no different, even though there was not a crack head insight.

When I first get there I see a little parcel sitting outside of the door, so I pick it up and take it into my mom. She ask me to open, so I take it into the kitchen to cut loose the tape. So, I open the box and unwraps the little item inside. You’ll never guess what was inside. Go ahead. Guess.
You give up? Good, because you never would have guessed.
Inside of the box was this little bottle dispenser of something that was called “liquid toilet paper”. That right, you heard me correctly. LIQUID TOLIET PAPER! What the hell? I take the little item back to my mom, hand it over to her with an, “Ewww”. She informs me that it was a free sample that some company sent to her. Yeah, okay. Still……Ewwww.

Later, my sister invites me to go to my little nephew’s PTA meeting. How cool was that. I’ve never been to a PTA meeting. Not many guys at a PTA meeting. I found that to be interesting. After that my sister goes shopping for the Laptop we want to get my mom for her birthday, next week. She asked me for my debt card and I denied her. She was a little offended and asked me if I trusted her. I told her I didn’t, nor would I trust anyone with my debt card. That is always a bad idea.

My little brother is missing in action all day. My mom told me he was out job hunt, but I believed that like I believe that bees are making honey in my ass channel. Anyway, I am laying in the room with my mom, watching Project Runway when my sister calls to take our dinner order. Someone drives into the yard, not long after. I think it is my little sister, but it turns out to be my little brother. He is outside talking to someone, but I can’t tell who. But I find out when my sister gets back with the food.

“Where you brother at,” I ask.
“He out there talking to my 23 year old, unemployed, criminal boyfriend’s mom.”
“Oh. Why he talking to her?”
“Because they are dating now.”
“What? How old is she?”
“She is 43.”
“Oh. Still, mom can’t tell him who he can and can not date.”
“She’s married. That is why mom threatened to put him out.”

Drama, people Nothing but drama. My brother is dating a married woman, who lives down the street, who is the mother of his friend and his sister’s girlfriend. Now I am wondering if this is the chick he had in his room the night I brought little Leroy over, but I don’t bother to ask the question.

What the fuck is going on with my family, people! What the fuck is going on? So now, besides everything else, I have to worry about some crazy husband coming over to do harm to my brother when he finds out about this affair. It is a serious concern, folks, when you consider that the majority of the men on my mom’s side of the family died violent deaths, before the age of forty.

Uncle one: Shot and killed on Thanksgiving day by the father of the girl he was dating at the time.

Uncle two: Stabbed to death by a jealous cousin, while he sleep.

Uncle three: Taken by a violent illness.

Uncle four: A pre-op transsexual, prostitute. Yeah, he, well she actually killed a prostitute for trying to take over her corner and since he is technically a she now, I guess he doesn’t count anyway. But all the other ones hold true.

I don’t know what I would do if somebody hurt my little brother just because some horny bitch can’t stay true to the commitment she made to her spouse. I don’t know what she sees in my brother anyway. Sure he is funny, handsome and charming, but he is also, lazy, unemployed and living at home with his mother. He husband must really be a loser.

Anyway, my family drives me crazy. If it ain’t one thing it’s another with them. I promise you, if it wasn’t for my mom and my nephew, I would have disassociated myself from them a long time ago. I love them to death, but the drama is either gonna kill me or cause me my job.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.


Cocoa Rican said...

Now back to that apple and how they fall analogy...LOL
...just kidding...I mean, just look at your ass. Glad you haven't given up on them. The prayer is that they learn and that together you can sit around some dinner table and laugh about all this mess.
As I've said hundreds of's life not a hay ride pa!

Q said...

Liquid toilet paper...?

Bangs and a Bun said...

Man, your family life could be a movie, I swear.

And I second what Q said - liquid toilet paper? Really?

deonte' k said...

Family is family you feel me. cant live with them or without them :)..... liquid toilet paper? wow i would like to see what that looks like lol.

Big O said...

First off....what the hell is liquid toilet paper....lmao..funny shit man.

Damn to the Uncles...thats insane.

Super Dave Van Buren said...

you need to be writing a movie screen play about all this. forget the sex book with cartoon characters.

*going to google liquid toilet paper*

VertigoVirgo said...

Why is it always the uncles? I'm sorry to hear about those tragedy's. Just pray, and stay should be fine.

lyre said...

Hey, one man, I'm single. Tell your brother to holla! LOL

Anonymous said...

I have no words. Especially about the liquid toilet paper. How the hell does that work.

Anonymous said...

The liquid toilet paper threw me off balance. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Man I thought my family was drama.

Darius T. Williams said...

Ha! I'm with Cocoa - you sure you ain't got nothing going on with you that you wanna tell us about?

Whew...that's a lotta family ish. Some folks can deal with it - some can't. i'm glad you're made for that kinda stuff.

Madam Z said...

Good for you that you went to the PTA meeting! You are the father figure in your little nephew's life. And good for you for NOT giving your sis your debit card!

And boy-oh-boy, your family sounds more and more like my mom's family! Maybe I should start posting some "Willis tales."

RealHustla said...

One Man, I'm just stunned right now, honey. I don't know what to tell you. Hang in there. You doing good for still being around them.

I bet you that liquid TP is some kind of spray that supposed to help shed feces and urine left overs all while leaving the user fresh and dry, LOL. Cool invention!

The Dreamy One said...

honey you know i love you right and you said we are family but you are gonna give yourself a stroke and some other illness worrying about them like you do.

take a deep breath and pray on it. you cant be responsible for the actions that others choose to partake in.

still i am praying for you!!! stop worrying so much sir.

love ya

Blah Blah Blah said...

You should really write a series of books...
Like Walter Mosely did with Easy Rawlins and Mouse...except with your family.
I'd read it...I mean...sounds interesting as hell. LOL

Anonymous said...

Uncle Four....seriously?

Wow, that's deep. I'm with everybody else, your family's story would be juicy enough.

The plot twists are killer.

And liquid toilet paper? If I weren't sitting in class right now, I'd google it.

Chet said...

DYSFUNCTIONAL!!! Man you must be one strong brotha, I thought my family was dysfunctional I think you might have my folks hands down. The important thing is that you still have love for family and although they may not be able to understand your love right now they will as the years grow, and the family gets tired of entering the chapel and being seated to the left.

It is time for them to call on the Upper Room for some assistance.

23 and has a 43 year old woman as a lover, he better take his arse to school and she better find her arse employment and head home to her own family and no doubt that includes children and quite possibly grandkids with the way things are today.

Liquid toilet paper?


To be honest, they sound really colourful and unique people who march to their own tune.
One thing that you can't complain about is that you have a dull family. :)
They should have a reality show!

One Man’s Opinion said...

I tried to goggle the liquid toilet paper, so I could should it to you good people and did not find it. If I had a camera phone, i would have taken a picture of it, because I know it is hard to believe. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

I promise you, it came in a small little dispenser...I think it came out as a foam, but trust me when I say I didn't wish to try it out. My mom can find some stuff and order it. I asked her why she would order liquid toilet paper on her limit budget. She said it was a free sample, that was sent to her. And according to the receipt, she was being honest. LOL.

Yeah, my family is colorful....Straight from a Tyler Perry movie. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death. We'll be going to the fair together next Wednesday, on my mom's birthday (God willing). But trust me when I say their is a reason when I go vistit, I be packing. You got to be ready for hell to break loose.

Linda said...

liuid toilet paper?????!!!!! How is that supposed to work? (Do I want to know?)

MP said...

i am totally amazed by everything that you wrote! simply amazed.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

family is thr shit thats good folk, but got to get read of the 23 yr old criminal boyfriend

have a gr8 weekend

Promiscuous X said...

Married women are the shit LMAO... but yeah its oes bring drama. My ex girl is married and pregnant and we still chill lol.

Yo wowww at uncle number 4...

I think our familys would get along just fine dude LMAO


Judging by how much you blog about them Sarge, your affection is evident. :)


LMFAO! I just 'got' the line when you go visiting you're packing....LOL! See, you are colourful, quirky and unique like them. :)
To them, being in law enforcement, YOU are probably the oddball and sell out. NOt that they don't love you ,


Black out her eyes, and let's see a pic of you mum.
I am really growing fond of her.She's a real character.

FREEDOM said...

Good post!

Dope Fiend said...

o wow, your fam is highly interesting. LOL, at your mum's LIQUID toilet paper...i hope she don't plan on using that funkyness.

I agree when u say her husband must be a loser...and she must be desperate...?

cathouse teri said...

That was a painful story to read. But the problem is, shit gets swept under the rug and everyone just says, "Oh that's just so-and-so. What can we do about it?"

Makes for a shitty, smelly rug.

So let's just take a little phrase from your post and talk about that.

"I don’t know what I would do if somebody hurt my little brother just because some horny bitch can’t stay true to the commitment she made to her spouse."

Seriously. If you can't figure out what's wrong with that sentence, then you must realize how you are part of he problem, rather than the solution.

If someone came to you and told that story about his brother and ended it with that sentence, you would knock him the fuck out.

Red flags are RED for a reason!

Ms Smack said...

Okay, I think this stuff is bothering you and I agree with you ALL THE WAY but you write it with so much comedy and fun that I laugh and smirk all the way through it.

Hilarious, mate.


Sha Boogie said... one post you put my dysfunctional family to shame! Liquid, what?

Rodney said...

I can relate. I don't go home unless I absolutely have to and I'm only an hour away. I should be spending more time with my grandmother in her final years, but my mother is on heroin, her brother smokes crack and I can't fathom how senior citizens become drug addicts at this late stage of the game. I wish I had your strength.