Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Don't Look A Gift Horse.....

Okay, we all know the old adage about how you are never going suppose to look a gift horse in the mouth. But what if said gift horse had an amazing gold grill, a diamond studded tongue ring and his breath smelt amazing; like Doritos. Okay, I know you are all wondering where I’m going with this, so here goes….

As you all know, two weeks ago I had dinner with my little circle of friends. Well, today I was scheduled to have lunch with my good friend Edge and then dinner with my lifelong friends, Violet and Marina. Edge and I were scheduled to meet at noon, exchange gifts and had lunch. So, I drive over to Edge’s house, since we have some lunatic driving around in the Metroplex, shooting randomly at people. I get there and am viciously, verbally attacked by his pets; all of which have little dog syndrome. Then we play his Wii, which is hell-a fun. I want one. Then he gave me my Christmas card. When I see it’s a gift card I am already worried. I open it up and sure enough, this bastard has given me a two hundred dollar gift card to my favorite art supply store. I hate having friends with money. (Well, actually it would be more accurate to say, “friend” with money. Singular)

I know, I know. I sound like an ungrateful bastard and I promise you I’m not, but I am modest. I don’t merit a two hundred dollar gift card. Hell, I didn’t even spend that much on my damn self for Christmas, and I love me. If that Tom Tom wouldn’t have been on self you can bet I wouldn’t have bought that bitch. LOL. Anyway, this makes my paltry little American Express Gift card of fifty dollars, look like nothing. I tried to gift the gift card back to his ass, but he wouldn’t accept it. What a jerk, huh? If my to lady friends pull this shit at dinner, I’m gonna have to set it off! I ain’t playing.

Anyway, after lunch, we stopped by Target and I got gifts for two of my little male cousins, who I don’t think are going to get much for Christmas. They‘re mother is useless and I mean useless. Her ass can’t hold down a job and every year, around this time, she waits to bombard the churches to see what she can get for free, so her kids can have a Christmas. And I mean, every year. This is how every woman on that side of my family rolls. Plus, she’s a bit of a bitch. Anyway, her kids are five and nine, and I decided if I can adopt a whole class room of little strangers, the least I could do would be to by their little asses something for Christmas as well. No kid should have to do without on Christmas.

Anyway, this might be my last post, before Christmas, because my little nephew is getting some cool ass toys for Christmas, and Uncle One Man plans on being there to help him play with each and every one of them. So, here is wishing you all of you amazing people a blessed and Merry Christmas. I truly love and care about each and every one of you. I know that sounds strange, but I don’t care. Yall are like family and plus, I share shit with you people that I don’t share with anyone else. Now, that’s love.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace (on Earth)

Monday, December 15, 2008

I Love My Tom Tom

Okay, I am officially done with my Christmas shopping. Lap top for my mom, cash for the siblings, as well as the nieces and nephews, gift cards for a few friends, a Dallas Cowboy afghan for Sgt. Lupe, a customized picture book for my Aunt, Digital Camera, MP3 like DVD player and Tom the Train, Train Set for Manny’s little ass and a Tom Tom for me. That’s right, I know it is not in true spirit of giving, but it was a good deal and I had to get it, cause my ass is always getting lost. Did I tell yall I got lost leaving my cousins house on Thanksgiving? How the hell you gonna get lost leaving the damn place? I mean, I can understand getting lost going, which I did, but leaving….that shit is just ludicrous.

I used it first thing when I got it Wednesday. I opened that bad boy up, turned it on and it was ready to go. I was thinking I was going to have to download some maps and a cd and shit, but nope. It came on and already knew my act location; which was over my mom’s house. (Yall, know I am making a habit of giving my family one of my two days off, right?) So, while I was over my mom I did some basic customizing to my Tom Tom. I programmed in my name and address, so if it gets stolen the thieves will know how to get to my house and return it to me. I programmed in the type of voice I wanted it to speak to me in, a nice little British woman. I programmed it to tell me is I was going over the speed limit. Yeah, the joker knows the speed limit on most major streets and will let me know, with a signal of my choosing, if I go over said limit. (I set it to let me know if I went ten miles over and you know that shit is always going off, right. LOL). I even set it to go off if I pass by a church. I have no idea why I did this, but it asked me if I wanted to and I said yes. Then I just played with some of the little features. That joker will pinpoint any gas stations, hospitals, churches, restaurants, hotels and much more that are closest to me.

The title says it all. I love my Tom Tom. I don’t be listening to it though. For instance, I set it up to guide me to the Italian restaurant that my friends and I went to this weekend, to celebrate the Holiday together. Well, yall know as well as I do that these things don’t always give you the most expeditious route, so I ignore it first bit of instructional advise, because I know the quickest way to get there, I just need it to guide me when I am in the area. It so funny, the little lady is like, “At the next quarter mile, turn left.” I go right, so she tries to get me back on track. “Right exit coming up, at the next quarter mile, turn right.” I keep straight. Eventually it decides that I am too far off to go the route it had originally chosen for me, so it recalibrates a new route. Then I ran into traffic and trying to avoid the shit, I got turned around and had to listen to the bitch, because I got lost. LOL. In my mind I was thinking that my Tom-Tom was like, “So, now yo bitch as wanna listen to me.”

Wouldn’t it be great if they game out with a ghetto version of Tom Tom? They could call the shit June Bug. June Bug would get you there, but he’d get yo ass there with an attitude. I imagine the trip to go like this. “Yo, man, you gonna want to take the next right.” I go straight. “Yo, man, did you not hear my ass say take that right. That’s alright, fuck it. Okay, okay, you gonna have to make this left up ahead to get back on track.” I go straight. “What the fuck! Man, what the fuck you buy me for if you ain’t gonna listen? Damn, I hate when you niggah buy my ass and you probably stole me in the first place. Bitch ass!”

Anyway, I had fun with my friends, took some pictures and stuff. Then decided to go over to my mom’s, which was good, because I got some good shots of Manny and my little brother and sister trimming the tree. How come me and my sister both yelled at Manny because he was putting all the candy canes on one side of the tree? He got over it once he relieved if he broke one he got to eat it.

Anyway, I know I am way behind on my blog reading and I apologize. I will try to catch up tomorrow, on my day off. I will also try to do at least one more post before the Christmas, but just encase I don’t, Merry Christmas, or whatever Holiday you celebrate, to all of you wonderful people all over the world.
-One Man's Opinion. Peace.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Spoiled Bastard

My little nephew is so damned spoiled. I'm not talking about the bad spoiled, but spoiled nonetheless. Let's see, in addition to adopting his whole freaking Head Start class for Christmas, his uncle One Man has bought him a digital camera, a portable DVD player, and I still want to get him the train set he wants. Hell, his ass would have gotten the bike he wanted, but he want peddle and his uncle don't buy shit his ass want actually ride. His mom has already bought him a read drum set (the boy is three years old).
I sometimes wonder if I should feel guilty about the part I have played in his spoiled-ness. But, he really is not the ass he can be when we are one on one, but around his mommy and his Aunt Dot, he is a whinny little annoyance, that drives his Uncle One Man insane. I honestly can not be around him, sometimes, when these two women are in his presence. And I don't understand why he sometimes acts the fool around his mom, because he has a spanking mom, who will tear that ass up. I, however, can get away with say, "Manny, you know we don't do that" to get him to straighten up. I don't understand that at all.
I love my nephew, you all know that. He owns my heart and only has to share it with his Granny. These are the only two people in the world that I would give the world and lay down my life for. What he really wants is a puppy and I really want to be the one to get him one, but I tell him mom that it is not practical. There is no one at that house that can care for a puppy the way it needs to be cared for. This is one of the reasons I am seriously looking into finding a nice big house that I can move my family into, with me. That way I can be there for both my mom and my nephew and I can buy that new puppy that I need and that Manny can love.
Stay tune, because I really plan on blogging more about my grand scheme for me and my family to live under one roof. I'm going to share the plan and I'm gonna need some serious input from on blog family on this one.
-One Man's Opinion. Peace.

Monday, December 1, 2008

A Hamster Called Rhino

Okay, I took my nephew to see Bolt this past Sunday and I gotta say it was a pretty good movie. Admittedly I feel asleep within the first ten minutes of the movie, so I have no idea of how Bolt got separated from Penny, nor do I know how he met his cat companion. Of course, how can you blame me, Manny had my ass up to well past 1. It might fault, because I keep replaying that damn movie, Ice Age, at his request. As soon as I put it on something I wanted to watch, his little ass conked right the fuck out. An then, true to form, he went from being on one side of the bed to being in the dead center, and me about to fall on the floor. It wasn’t until around 6 that I wised up and took myself into another room.
Anyway, by the time I woke up Bolt was in a trailer park and about to encounter the funniest addition to the movie; Rhino the Hamster.

Whoever wrote Rhino into the movie was a genius. That damn hamster had me cracking up. You could hear my laugh throughout the theater. He stole every scene and by the end of it I was wondering when Disney was going to give Rhino his own spin off movie. That damn rodent had me cracking up every step of the way and stole the entire movie. Bolt? Bolt, who? Where the hell is Rhino?

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.