Friday, October 10, 2008

Did You Ever?

Yesterday I had trouble sleeping because this bitch of a sergeant (male) resent me to rude ass email. I promise you, I am going to beat his unprofessional ass. I ain’t lying. Anyway the email bade me so mad that I couldn’t even sleep prior to going to work, which lead to me being hella tired at work. Sgt. Lupe drove me around and my ass was nodding off in the car like nobody’s business. That is until we got the burglary in process. Needless to say I was all over that and I assisted in capturing two of the three bastards. Can you believe that one of them was only 15 years old, the other seventeen. Of course you can, but that is not what this post is about. Although, just for the record, I still believe that if you are still of school age, look like me and I catch you committing a crime…Instead of taking you to jail I need to have the right to take off my belt and whoop your little ass.

Anyway, so I veered completely off topic her. So, back to not being able to sleep to save my life, prior to going to work. I telling you I was hyped up for a fight and wondering how I was going to have this confrontation with Sgt. Asshole, without losing my temper (I still have not lost it and I promise you it is a daily task with the idiots that I encounter on a daily basis). So, as I am laying in bed my mind began to wonder. I began to think about my step-father and how he was mean to me. Which lead to me thinking about my childhood. Growing up with two older sisters, before the twins were born. Which lead to me thinking about the time I walked in on my mom and step-father having sex. AGHHHHHH!

Yeah, not to traumatizing.

It happened quit innocently enough. You see, my family didn’t have much money and we only had two television. A black and white one that my grandmother had given to me and one of my sisters and the one in my parents room. Of course, being the baby boy, my sisters hogged the black and white television and I didn’t want to watch what they were watching, so I ventured into my parents room to see if I could watch television with them. Now mind you, this was on a Saturday, in the middle of the day, and I was nine years old. I know I was nine, because I am ten years older than my little brother and sister.

Anyway, so I walk through the house and open the door to my parents room and what to my wondering eyes should appear? Yeah, you guessed it. Nothing pretty. All I remember was my mom on top of my step father and naked asses. Oh, and the shocked look on both of their faces. I don’t know what the fuck they were shocked about. I was the one expecting to watch the Rifleman only to end up trying to burn my eyes out with Clorox (not really, but you get my drift). Of course I immediately shut the door and walk stiff leggedly back into the area of the house where my sisters were. And I’m telling you it most have registered all over my face, because they was asking me “what happened, One man.” “What’s wrong.”

Of course I didn’t answer them. I mean, how do you tell your sisters they you just saw your parents having sexual relations. Plus, no one had explained to me the facts of life and I had no idea what the fuck I had walked in on. I just know that it was wrong for me to see and that I was extremely embarrassed.

Now, if that wasn’t bad enough, we end up having a family meeting that night. Now, keep in mind I just want to block the shit out. Have that whole repressed memory thing going on, that you read so much about. But uh, no. My step-father and his overly religious ass, had to give up this talk about Noah and how one of his sons had stumbled upon the drunken Noah naked. And how God had cursed Noah’s son for peering upon his fathers naked body. I kid you not. Can you believe that shit? So not only was I already traumatized by the events of the day, not to mention having to miss the Rifleman, but now I had to worry about God smiting my ass for seeing my step-father naked. Lucky for me that I never considered the bastard as much of a father figure, so I rationalized that I was alright. Oh, and did I mention that this little talk just resulted in my sisters prodding me even more to find out what I had seen. Uh, take a guess bitches. I can’t say it. If I say it, my tongue with turn to maggots and I will be struck dumb right on the spot.
Anyway, this is the first time in my whole life that I have ever recanted that story and I choose to share it with my blog family. Now don’t you feel special?

So, my question to you. Have any of you good people every walked in on your parents having sex? I know I ain’t the only one. I’m probably just the only one who didn’t know what the shit was called at the time I was witnessing it. Oh, and probably the only one who was made to feel like I was going to go to hell for my innocent transgression.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.

Okay, Freedom. Go ahead and break down the details about Noah and his son seeing him naked. You know you wanna.

49 comments:

Bangs and a Bun said...

This is HILARIOUS! Man, that's like, every kid's worst nightmare. I'm not surprised you're scarred for life. Thank God that never happened to me.

Stew said...

nope never walked in on them having sex. never saw any signs of sexual activity. never heard anything.

my folks are sneaky

Super Dave Van Buren said...

Shyt my dad was never around and my mom never dated anyone else so I never had to block that out of my mind.

clnmike said...

WELL I WAS DOING GOOD FORGETTING IT TILL YOU POSTED THIS.

THANKS!!!

Sha Boogie said...

Wait. Why step dad try and make YOU feel guilty because they was being nasty in the middle of the day?

*dead*

LOL!! ur poor little traumatized, bleach ready eyes!

Cocoa Rican said...

Hate to tell you this pa, but in all their 45 years together, I never, ever, saw Millie and Johnnie getting it on...well, to be fair, Millie was swift enough to have a lock on her door that my parents used - OFTEN - so chances are they were gettin' it on - WELL - but didn't want the interruptions or humiliations from being caught. Now try being caught by your ex having sex with a mutual friend in your shared house and then tell me about shock and horror. ;)

Gotta Let it Out said...

Okay, so first off, you’ve ruined my day. You made me remember a memory that I hadn’t thought about for over 15 years. I walked in on my mother, and step father when I was 7 years old. Get this-

So it’s bright and early in the fucking morning. I’m talking like 7am. I woke up in my bedroom and noticed that the alarm clock said 7am, and realized that I was gonna be late for school. So panicked about this, I hop up and run into my mom’s room, cause you know, she had to iron my dress. I was a prissy lil thing. Anyhow, so I go running in there full speed a head and all I really saw was the back of my mom’s feet and her legs super high in the sky, and my step dad on top but covered with the blanket. Now this shit was terrifying! I didn’t know what this dude was doing.

So I, of course, run downstairs to get my uncle (who was visiting from the army) and told him my step dad was trying to kill my mom!! He goes running upstairs as I follow only to find my parents scrambling to put their clothes on. Did I mention, his pistol was drawn? So my mom was pissed and embarrassed. And wouldn’t you know she whooped me?? Like I was suppose to know what the hell was going on! Anyhow, turns out it was Saturday. Go figure.

P.S. You just got her Christmas presents cut in half.

lyre said...

LOL @ Gotta!

I never saw mama and Daddy but I walked in on my Older Brother getting it from behind my sisterinlaw. Now i thought that shit was super nasty becasue My brother was 5 years younger than my sister in law. At the time I was 14 so he was 24 and she was 29. Eeeyew! Old folks having sex.

My coworker had me rolling talking about his grown up experience of walking in on his 50 year old mother and father in a 69 experience. he goes, "My momma in there in a 'all I need is one mic' position." Then his mom called to him as he backed out traumatized, "What you want, baby!" ROTFL!!!!

Ieisha said...

Never walked in on anything thankfully. I really just came to read the horror stories of the rest of the blog world.

Wow...it's some deeply scarred folks out there.

This post brought a smile to my face. Thanks One Man!

Nikki said...

Unfortunately...no, no, fortunately I never walked in on my parents. My mom was a single parent and didn't have men parading through, but I heard she and her boyfriend when I was in 5th grade. I went to my dad's house one weekend around the same time period and I found a porno tape on TOP of the VCR. There was dust on the VCR so I knew exactly where to put it back when I was finished watching it...

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

Lol sorry, that was funny. I walked in on my parents but it didn't traumatize me.

I was around 6 yrs old. I use to get up in the middle of the night to get in bed with my parents. One night, I get up and see my parents on the edge of the bed with only their bathroom light on. I rubbed my eyes and walked back to my room. They never didn't see me. I had no idea what they were doing but knew I wasn't suppose to see it. I blame them because they had the door wide open and they knew I got up sometimes to get in their bed. It was yrs later when I realized I saw them having sex.

JACK said...

Praise God I never saw my mom and step-dad having sex. Although one time I got a phone call (pre-HIPPA) from the doctor's office telling me they had the results of my step father's semen sample. That was just enough to make me want to run away.

One Man’s Opinion said...

That's what I;m saying, Sha Boogie. You know his ass was shysty for that.

Coacoa you just need to post about that little nugget of information.

Gotta, you win. Cracking up here, with tears in my eyes.

Ms Smack said...

You are by far the most hilarious writer that I have on my blog roll. YOU make me laugh and laugh!! Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day too!

Now, yes, I have seen my mother masturbating once (UGH!) and I've seen her shagging with my step-dad twice.

I have also heard them.

He said 'can I? Can I? Please, Jude? and she said 'Oh, hurry up then!!" which makes me cringe, cry and laugh at the same time.

Another time, he asked her if he could take her from behind. She called him an 'animal' and he got none that night. I had a shared wall with them, yup, aren't I lucky.

SCARRED FOR LIFE!

Ms Smack said...

GOTTA, you comment made me laugh and laugh LOL

FREEDOM said...

One Man don't tease ME!!! lol

FREEDOM said...

One Man, I'm gonna look it up and get back witcha on that foul azz sh*t your step-dad tried to lay on you. LOL!!! Shame on HIM 4REAL to do that to a kid.

By the way, I have NEVER seen my parents "gettin it on". thank goodness! I wonder if my kids when i do have some lol tell this same hilarious story about me and daddy...uhhhhh!!!! minus the damnation to HELL bit though (still laugh my Azz off)!!!

FREEDOM said...

just to clarify "daddy" is my future husband, not my daddy LOL

RunningMom said...

I am so glad I never saw my parents having sex, but I did walk in on my dad once. He was either getting in or out of the shower and I saw his nekkidness in the mirror - yeah that was traumatizing enough!

UBERMOUTH said...

LOL@ Gotta's '...and it was Saturday!'
I think she stole your thunder , today Sarge. :)

I saw my parents having sex once and was disgusted as mum was, during a visit to mine and my former husband's house, when she walked a mile in my shoes. :)

Turn me up a lil said...

I wanna know what was in the email.lol

Cheri T. said...

LOL. Thank goodness I didn't see it, but I heard it and that was bad enough. Thanks for making me unearth memories I'd hoped would remain buried forever...

naijalines said...

That was hilarious and sad at the same time. Your step-father was bang out of order for saying that to you.

Gosh! How dare he? All he had to say was:

"Parents do that to show love to each other as adults. When you are an adult, son, you'll understand." That's all.

clnmike said...

About your question on my blog.

Yup by Donald Spears, pretty good to, a different perspective on black relationships thats still relative today. Hard to find in print now but Amazon usually has some copies.

Mad Hatter said...

I never walked in on my parents, when I got older it done on me why the pillow was behind the headboard, then again, they always had us in some activities, I guess they did the nasty while we were gone. I do have to say that, banging during the daytime while the children are in the house is a little bold and somewhat disrespectful. Let us know when you kick his ass. Now my youngest son walked in on us one night, banging hubby crazy and look over, there he was sniffing, he was around 4, got up to use the restroom and wanted to get in the bed with us, I don't think he remember.

leahvashley said...

hey one man, i remember a similar situation: i walked in on my mom and stepdad having sex, and they had the nerve to ask me later "what did you see?" i wish i had the gumption then that i now have, cause i woulda told them exactly what i saw, which they saw that i saw. but instead, i mumbled "nothing". i don't know what i prefer, the question as i got it, or the lecture as you got it. maybe a "hey, girl, close the door; we're busy right now" woulda been the best answer. i don't have kids yet, but for now, if i'm placed in that situation, i think the last would be my response. love your blog. cheers from turkey.

Scary Jesus said...

I never caught my parents having sex, but I rember when I was about 9 hearing my parents arguing and my dad was accusing my mom of putting perfume on her vagina when she went to take art lessons from this guy named Reverend Labrador. It took me years to figure what the hell that was all about. Oddly enough they got divorced soon afterwards.

One Man’s Opinion said...

Before I move make comments, I was reading Diva's thoughts and I was wondering if other people feel slighted if their comments are not commented on. 'cause, I gotta tell you, although I read and appreciate every comment, I don't comment on each one, but I love them all the same.

Ms. Smack...the masturbation thing...Yeah, that would have been the end for me. I think I would wake up crying for the rest of my life and probably would have turn to a life of crime.

Freedom, seriously, I expected you to give me some grown up insight into the story of Noah and his son, I think his name was Ham. Hey, did you good folks know that Ham was suppose to have been black and it was the curse put on that that some white folks used to justify slavery. True story. So, not only was I cursed, but if Obama doesn't win this election, I think that can be blamed on me seeing my step father naked when I was nine.

Nikki, don't you even get me started on my first porn flick and masturbation story.

Turn Me Up, I was so tempted to share the emails that that bastard Sgt. Asshole sent to me. I promise you, it is so hard for me not to beat his ass, be demoted and possibly go to jail. I just got to remind myself that I am now not only living for myself, but also for my nephew.


Cherei T, I call these the memories that I will take with me to my grave. You knows, does that are burnt to the inside of your skull and all up in the folds of your brain. (Yeah, folds is not the right word.)

Mad Hater, I hate to say it, but at four...Yeah, he remembers it. He doesn't know what it was, but he remembers it.

Leahvashley, yeah, it is not secret that my step father was an ass. Hell, he didn't have to say anything about the shit, because I was already working on suppressing the memory, right after it happen (me and my brain was cool like that), all he did was make the memory worst. Like I was trying to see his big ass...well, not on top of my momma, but you know where I am going with this.


And yes, once again, Gotta get's the best comment of the week award, but it had be cracking up. I will be checking to see how much money she spent on her mom's Christmas present this year. Oh, and yes, Gotta, I was at work and my mind drifted to you getting a whooping for have you uncle bring a gun to a cock fight. LOL

One Man’s Opinion said...

Hey, Scary Jesus, I really had to come back to say that the perfume on the kitty kat thing....yeah, I don't get it. Please to explain....Someone, seriously. Ya'll know I am innocent.

Freeman P said...

I'm glad I'm not traumatized like you guys. I still have the dream that I just magically manifested so I don't need the details.

FREEDOM said...

ONE MAN YOU ASKED FOR IT. HERE IT IS LOL!!!

One Man...You are correct about the beliefs associated with Ham the Youngest Son of Noah with slavery, which IS erroneous. A ploy by whites to enslave blacks into that mentality of believing the hype about Blacks who are the true descendants of MAN!

One Man my step-dad is a minister, so I went to him for more clarification. He said Ham was “cursed” by Noah for his disrespect of his father by going into his father’s “tent” and finding Noah naked and going and telling his brothers about it. His disrespect of going and telling his brother to see their father in his nakedness is what prompt Noah to curse his son Ham. Once Noah other two sons heard this they went into their father’s tent walking back forwards to cover Noah up. You have to remember the custom of the people back in that time. RESPECT was HIGH towards their parents and adults. Shem and Japheth knew and Ham knew that their father Noah was a drunk and Ham in their custom was very disrespectful by telling his brothers of what he saw in his father’s tent.



This is how it went down. (The Living Bible 9:20-28) “Noah became a farmer and planned a vineyard, and he made wine. One day as he was drunk and lay naked in his tent, Ham the father of Canaan, saw his father’s nakedness and went outside and told his two brothers. Then Shem and Japheth took a robe and held it over their shoulders and, walking backwards into the tent, let it fall across their father to cover his nakedness as they looked the other way. When Noah awoke from his drunken stupor, and learned what had happened and what Ham, his younger son, had done, he cursed Ham’s descendants: “A curse upon the Canaanites,” he swore. “May they be the lowest of slaves To the descendants of Shem and Japheth.” Then he said, “God bless Shem, And may Canaan be his slave. God bless Japtheth, And let him share the prosperity of Shem, And let Canaan be his slave.”


More insights from the (Life Application Study Bible):

Noah, the great hero of faith, got drunk-a poor example of godliness to his sons. Perhaps this stop is included to show us that even godly people can sin and that their bad influences affects their families. The possibility of evil still existed in the hearts of Noah and his family. Ham’s mocking attitude revealed a severe lack of respect for his father and for God.

This verse (Genesis 9:25) “And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall be his brethren.” has been wrongfully used to support racial prejudice and even slavery. Noah’s curse, however, wasn’t directed toward any particular race, but rather at the Canaanite nation-a nation God knew would become wicked. The curse was fulfilled when the Israelites entered the Promised Land and drove the Canaanites out (see the book of Joshua).


Here’s some more One Man. You asked for it and I believe in being thorough.
More Insights from The Original African Heritage Study Bible:

The Curse of Canaan- Most people believe Ham was cursed and, therefore, so were all black people of African/Hamitic descent. However, careful study of the Scriptures reveals that the curse was placed upon Canaan (Gen. 9:25), a son of Ham. However, Ham’s other sons, Mizraim, Phut, and Cush, also progenitors of part of Africa, were not cursed. This particular curse justified Abraham’s inheritance of the land of Canaan as his blessing because Shem and his descendants (Gen. 9:26) received the blessing of his father Noah due to this strong desire to be in his father’s image and his love for God. (Gen.9:24-27)

The Sons of Ham and the Birth of Nimrod-The descendants of Ham were Cush (biblical Ethiopia, in other words, the Sudan), Mizraim (Egypt), Phut (Libya), and Canaan (Palestine/Israel). The sons of Ham inhabited north and northeast Africa and were the original inhabitants of these regions. Also, within the Hamitic lineage, the son of Cush, Nimrod, was known to be an eminent African hunter and architect. Nimrod, grandson of Ham and the mighty hunter before God, was the first man to try to build his way to heaven (Gen. 11:1-9). Nimrod managed to draw and begin work on a gigantic tower that would allow him and his fellow servants to see heaven as well as earth. This tower was built in a called Babel, in the beginning of his empire. Nimrod is rightfully considered to be the great innovator and builder of such ancient Babylonian cities. (Gen 10:6-10)


Bible Nations Descended From Noah’s Sons:

Shem: Hebrews, Chaldeans, Assyrians, Persians, Syrians
Ham: Canaanites, Egyptians, Philistines, Hittites, Amorites
Japheth: Greeks, Thracians, Scythians

Shem’s descendants were called Semites. Abraham, David and Jesus descended settled in Canaan, Egypt, and the rest of Africa. Japheth’s descendants settled for the most part in Europe and Asia Minor.

She Needs said...

I have honestly never walked in on my parents having sex, thank goodness.

One Man’s Opinion said...

Good Job Freedom. I knew I could count on you. I just have two things to say...First, I didn't go back and tell my sisters anything, and still have not to this very day, so my step-fathers comparison was totally out of line.

Second, just to be clear, I did not learn about the slavery connection from my step-father. I think I heard that on the radio many years later.

Oh, and just one mone thing. This is why Muslims don't eat ham to this very day. LOL. That was a joke people. No offense.

Q said...

Ewwww, I don't want to think about my parents having sex. I don't even want to think about my kissing. I swear my mom got pregnant by kissing my dad on the cheek. That's how it happened, and i don't want anyone to say otherwise...

blkbutterfly said...

this post (and the comments) had been cracking up! well, except for the family meeting part. that made me feel sad for the younger you.

anyway, as for your question, i was raised by my mom and only once did i catch a glimpse of something sexual. the door to her room was slightly ajar when i walked by and i caught a glimpse of one or both of them naked. but, believe me when i say that door was then quickly shut all the way!

Ms Smack said...

You know you're totally right! I am surprised I didn't end up in a life of crime too!~

dejanae said...

haha
i was spared that torture

Rodney said...

Wow! I decide to drop in on my long lost blog relatives and DAMN! You never cease to get a laugh out of me. No. I never walked in on them, but I heard them once. I gagged. Once I overheard my grandmother on the phone saying that my grandfather wanted to do it... uh... another way. The line will always ring in my ear... "I told him I ain't no dog!"

D-Place said...

Nope never saw it thank the Lord! This is something for some reason that you don't even want to think about. Now you got me thinking about it..ewwwww and grrrrrrrrr at the same time.

Madam Z said...

I hate step-fathers. I love One Man.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

i know it sounds wierd, but i never did
and u be killing me

The Dreamy One said...

yes sir i have and trust me i was like ohhh my god.

i didnt know what to do so i politely took my black azz back to my room,lol

after that they started locking their door and i started knocking,lol

Undeniably...Deep aka Tina-B said...

Oh man. i got the worst of it. i walked in on my Grandparents!! At the time they were in thier early 60's and I was in my late teens so I knew what was going on. Talk about having an image burned into ya head. I dont think my naked grandpa's @$$ is waht I want to remember at any point of time.

Now, I do remember my lil brother walkin in on momz and her at the time husband. I was 6 my lil brother was 4. It was midday Saturday. He show did get a whoopin out this world for that one.

But what I dont understand is why they get mad at us...when they the adults and should have been more "responisble" about when they were doing the do.

Thanks, One Man for that throwback experience.

Ms Smack said...

oh my, Tina takes the trophy for busting her grand-parents.

That's one thousand times worse than busting your oldies doing the horizontal mambo!

EWW

cathouse teri said...

I don't think my parents had sex. I'm pretty sure all of us girls are the product of some immaculate conceptions. :)

So yeah... I never walked in on them having sex. Or being naked. Or anything of that kind.

When I had children, the door was certain to be locked if there was any hanky panky going on in the bedroom. NO matter what time it was. But they were also taught that walking in to mom and dad's bedroom was not okay. In fact, even knocking was discouraged. :)

In all seriousness, though, I think the master bedroom should be regarded with a certain amount of respect. The scary kind of respect. Sacred. Kids should think twice about walking into their parents' bedroom even if the door is wide open and it's the middle of the day and mom is just alone walking around in there making the bed, fully clothed. It is an area where permission should be granted for entrance.

That's just how I feel about it. Parents are not our peers and this should be reinforced in many ways. I also feel very strongly about children putting their hands into mommies purses. My kids wouldn't DREAM of looking in my purse for anything.

RealHustla said...

My mom and step dad required that I start my Saturday mornings doing everyone's laundry. So, I went in there to get there's. That's all I can say.

Darius T. Williams said...

Nah, I've never walked into this - but this is super hilarious...like for real.

Promiscuous X said...

OMG it was the worste thing I could ever imagine. EWWLLLL my dad big ass ontop of my mom OMG and it soubded so horrible ughhhh. You just made me throw up lol

~Kahlua~ said...

I never walked IN on my parents but I do recall many-a-Saturday-afternoon where they would lay in bed watching movies under the covers and I could see the outline of their arms reaching over toward the mid-section of each other's bodies. AND i knew they were naked. It was only when I got married and would do the same thing w/my husband on weekends that it dawned on me what was REALLY going down w/my parents. Oh and when my father passed a few years ago I found some freaky letters he wrote to my mom back in the day....EWWWWWWWWW. I'm talkin about serious details. I know I was wrong for reading but the first paragraph started out with the freak and then it was like a train wreck--I just couldn't look away. Okay now I gotta go think about something else to get THAT memory erased from my brain...Ugh! Funny post though!!

~Kahlua~