Monday, June 2, 2008

Family Vacation



Vacationing with family is a roller coaster ride, filled with ups and down. It took us five hours to get to San Antonio and Five days to get back. Me, one of my Older Sisters and my twenty-three year old neice in my car. Bonnie, My Mom, and three bratty kids in her SUV. Thank goodness I was not in that hell hole. Poor Bonnie (not her real name), I did take over some of her agony on the drive back. Little girls…They are born talking, huh? Shut the hell up.

Okay, the trip to Sea World was great and I think the kids enjoyed it. Although I was not keen on having two other kiddies on the outing with us, it was important for little man to have kids his age to relate and fight with. So here are the ages: Manny, who will officially be three tomorrow, Ms. Never eats (3 ½) and Ms. Hyperactive (4). Why is it that children this age hate to be touched by each other when placed into cramped places, the car that requires some amount of touching?

After this weekend I am officially having my testicles removed. The penis will still operate without the testicles, right? I have decided that I would make a horrible parent. I do not have the patience for it. These kids, including Little Man, were driving me crazy. The whining, Oh My Gawd, the whining! Is this what little girls do; whine and talk? Shut the hell up! Now, I know both of the two little girls that went on the trip, but not to the point that I felt comfortable enough to threaten them with physical harm. I am not big on hitting other folk’s children. Manny is blood so he is free game. That being said, before day one was complete I had threatened to; beat in head, cluck in eye, kick in face and throw shoe into the back of these children so many times it was not cute. I know, I know. That is not politically correct. Fuck that. It worked. I actually don’t believe in hitting children, unless they truly deserve it. The tone of voice and threat of violence is normally enough, especial if the kid has had a healthy amount of beat downs in their lives.

By day two every child I saw was getting on my nerves. Me and Sister were down stairs eating breakfast and this cute little white girl was down there with who I assumed where her grandparents. She was around three years old. Well, I was looking right at the child as her grandmother was getting some coffee and her grandfather was sitting at the table across from us (sister had her back to her). One minute the little girl was just skipping between the tables, being annoyingly precious and the next she was crying. What the hell. Grandmother picked her up and did an excellent job of distracting her from whatever invisible pain she was feeling. I wanted to say, “ain’t nothing wrong with that girl. I was looking right at her!’ I told my sister that I just wanted to hit the child with my shoe. Ain’t that just wrong? LOL. Okay, before you make me out to be an monster let me just say I am actually very good with children. I use to teach with our LETS program ( Law Enforcement Teaching Kids). Plus, kids just seem to like me. I think it is suppose to be a good sign when kids like you, but I just find it to be annoying. Plus, it’s just a little bit offensive to me. What am I, some type of clown or something?

My little brother punk’d out on me so I was the only adult male on this outing with females and Manny. It was alright though. My mom, Manny and the little girls seemed to enjoy themselves and that was the point. In the end I don’t think the kids where really all that bad. They behaved themselves and they followed instructions. Although those two girls. How many times do you have to tell them stay in one place? Okay, Ms. Hyperactive is on medication for her disorder; I only wish we could have shared that pill with Ms. Never eats.

During the drive out I learned about the affair that my ex-partner’s husband is having with a young lady that goes to my sister’s church and the two pregnancy that were a result of said affair. I learned my niece’s true passion in live and what her hopes and dreams are (which is always nice). She is a mess. She was cracking me up. She does not have my sister’s mean spirit. Don’t tell my sister that she has a mean spirit. She’s in denial about this. I also learned that my niece’s cousin had dropped out of college and is now shacking up with some guy she meet while in said college. I learned that this information is being kept from her grandparents who believe her to be close to graduation. HA! I was like, what’s the big secrete. Tell them. I understand that they will be disappointed, although I don’t see why. (Trust me, my sister married into that side of the family and they should be use to disappointment by now). I normally would say what she does is her own business, since she is twenty one or two now, but when you consider that the grandparents send her money down every month, thinking that it is being used towards schooling…well, I think that is just plain deceitful.

Funniest and most shocking moment:
We are having all the fun in the world at Sea World. My mom has to go on a potty break, so everyone has to go on a potty break. Manny is at that age where he can go into the bathroom with the women folks, but since I had to take a leak as well we go into the men’s room. He is just fine until we get into the area and sees the urinals. Then he breaks out into full pee-pee dance. Oh, my gawd. You should see this little boy move when he has to pee and is trying to hold it in. My sister and niece call it his happy feet dance. Anyway, the urinals at the theme park are the kind that goes all the way to the floor, instead of being lifted off the floor, like in restaurants and such. Manny is use to going potty on the actually toilet where he has to sit down and do it. Well, every little guy needs to learn to stand on their own two feet when it comes to peeing, so we are standing at the urinal and I am able to get him to stop jumping up and down long enough to undo his little shorts. How about as soon as he is unsnapped and unzipped, he pulled his pants all the way down to his ankles and let it flow. It was so funny. I told him now body wanted to see his naked little butt, but you can pull up a man’s pants while they are in mid-flow. It is just not done. Now this is truly a moment that only a man can share with his nephew or son.

Most Offensive Moment:
Okay, we are in Shamu world or whatever you call it. Me and Sister sit towards the back away from the splash zone. Niece and kids are somewhere near the splash zone. Mom is at the very top of the place, watching from her wheel chair. Sister is on the outside bleacher. I am sitting by this nice Hispanic family. The father is holding their precious baby girl. She couldn’t have been any more than five or six months. This child is fascinated with me. I mean she will not stop looking at me. It was very funny and cute, at first. I nudged sister and told her to look at how the little cutie was just staring at me. I even waved and smiled at her. Well, the show begins and the whales come out. They are jumping out of the water and splashing and stuff and this kid will not take her eyes off of me. Seriously, I was offended. Am I that strange looking? LOL. The dad had to actually move her to his other side to get her to look at the show. The same thing happened at the dolphin show. The kid in front of us, this kid had to be four or five, turned all away around to stare at my ass. What the fuck? What is interesting about this is that it happens a lot. Children just love to stare at me. It is very disconcerting. It makes me feel like a freak. I mean, kids only stare at things that fascinating them, right? What the hell is fascinating about me? They make me feel like the black tellatubby or something.

Most creative lie:
Driving back from the River walk. We all piled into the SUV to get from point A to point B, while in San Antonio. The kids stuffed into the very back (you would be amazed at how they seat up those damn child seats). Anyway, Bonnie is drive, Mom is up front with her, and other sister, niece and I are in the back. I am nodding of when I hear Manny say, “Oh, Ms. Hyperactive said a bad word.” (Kids are the biggest snitches.) I’m still nodding, because none of us heard it so in my mind, officially it doesn’t count. Kind of like that “if a tree falls in a forest” scenario). Of course, I’m not a parent so what do I know. My sister wants to know what she said so she ask, “What did she say, Manny?” Well, why would you put a child in the position of repeating a word that we have already determined that he knows is a “bad” word.

Manny says nothing. I told you the boy was smart. He knows a trap when he sees one. This time Bonnie asks, “What did she say?” Still no response; I am still not caring and wishing that they would let the whole thing drop. It was not like they could reach her to beat her down anyway. Anyway, Ms. Hyperactive decides to defend herself (Foolish, Foolish child) and this is how it played out. Keep in mind that she is only four and although she speaks well, she still has those little baby inflections to her words.

Ms. Hyperactive: Bitch is not a bad word.

Four adults (in unison): What did you say?

Ms. Hyperactive: Bitch

Sister: (Ms. Hyperactive is her friend’s little girl) What did you say, Ms. Hyperactive? (By this time she is craning her neck trying to see child in the rear of the vehicle, sitting behind me).

Ms. Hyperactive: Mick. Like Mickey Mouse.

I cracked up and so did my niece.

Sister: (She let her make it and didn’t push the matter) Okay, well, let’s not say that word anymore.

Way to think on your feet, Ms. Hyperactive. She knows damn well she said “bitch”. I also believe that she probably didn’t think it was a bad word until she saw where our line of questioning was leading. Kids are so damn smart. LOL

Anyway, we made it back in one piece and I am already trying to decide what kind of trip I can go on with just me and my mom.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.

15 comments:

UBERMOUTH said...

What a fabulous post, sarge. I laughed all the way through it!
Your blog makes my day.

BronzeBuckaroo said...

I am not big on hitting other folk’s children. Manny is blood so he is free game

I cannot stop laughing. I laugh but I can understand the words as an uncle who often keeps his 1 year old niece and 3 yr. old nephew who I swear must be fed a pound of sugar each every single day. Cool thing, I don't have to workout after they live. I love them both but I am happy to see their parents take'em away! I get more than enough excercise running after them.

Linda said...

*LOL*!!!! your post cracked me up!!

I have a ms. hyperactive myself.. don't know where she got it from.. my husband and I both remember to be lazy, quiet kids..

She's just dancing around all day like she's got a bug in her underwear.. can't sit still for a minute (seriously, we timed her!)

But still.. you gotta love 'em ;) I can't imagine going on holiday with three in that age class though! respect, man!

greetings from the netherlands!

Mizrepresent said...

Wow, you had some kind of trip, and yep you are right little girls do like/love to talk...i remember carrying my daughter and her little friends around and thinking when will it be over...OMG!

Black Mamba said...

I was lmao at ms. hyperactive thinking on her toes...I did the same thing to get out of trouble, hahaha.

I was not the loud obnoxious talkative little girl, I was painfully shy and never talked...hahaha...so much for that now!

Thanks for the trip rundown, I was cracking up through many parts of it!

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

Funny post. Kids are something else and a handful.

My son has gotten to the point where he likes to stand up and pee. Little boys shouldn't stand up until they're old enough not to pee on their hands. LOL I swear his hands are always pissy when he finishes.

Kids are smart. Yesterday at the park, my son wanted to play with my friend's bike instead of his own. The little boy wanted his bike back. They stood there for awhile, both holding on to the handlebars. The little boy isn't a bully like my son b/c he would have pushed the boy down and rode off. After realizing the little boy wasn't going to let go, my son takes off running toward the slide. The whole time he's looking back to see if the little boy is following him. The little boy leaves the bike and runs after my son. My son stops. Look at the bike then look at the little boy and takes off running toward the bike. He got to the bike and started riding. LOL

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

my friend son's bike

One Man’s Opinion said...

Southern Gal, your son is a little trickster. And trust me, Manny not only managed to pee on his own hands, but one of minds as well. But we make sure to wash our hands after every bathroom break. Still nasty though. LOL

Sha Boogie said...

Please..stop...LMAO!! I had to stiffle my laughter so much I think I passed gas, excuse me! Mick..you know..bitch! Kids are a riot. And yes, you should only threaten kids if your going to follow through, I am a firm believer in corporal punishment! Well...when no one is looking..lol

Brittany said...

How funny. I saw the same thing. I don't have any patience for kids. People always tell me that when I have my own it will be different. I hope so...and I want to be a teacher..go figure.

fuzzy said...

Kids can be trying! I commend you for trying it! lol Seems like you had a good time At Sea World...

Ieisha said...

Most creative lie was wonderful.

You got me all super curious about what you look like cuz you got little babies either staring like its a horrible car accident and they can't look away or gazing in awe cuz an angel has been recreated on Earth.

Which one is it One Man??????

One Man’s Opinion said...

I think it is a cross between the two, Ieshia. Which ever one it is, I wish they would stop. Seriously, it'd disturbing. LOL.

DreamCop08 said...

you are too freaking dog on funny, you and the little girl staring at you was freaking funny azz hell.

im sorry one man but you are a better person than i am to go on a long azz car ride.

see this Leo right here hates car rides, and despite the fact that i love kids, one of them lil kids would be left in a different state.

i know you were happy once you made it home,lol

i know i would have been

RealHustla said...

Seems, like you had a good time after all. Please, do not remove your testicles. I don't care if it still works, that's just weired. And besides, I think you need them to keep you system balanced too. Without them, you'll get fat for some reason. Uh-huh, it's true.