Saturday, August 30, 2008

WHY?!?



Let me just start off by saying that today’s post started off in a whole other direction. I had truly intended on posting about what a suck ass work week I’ve had those far. From one of my Field Training Officers, bitching out on me because he can’t take constructive criticism, to the fact that there is the idiot that hangs out at the clubs who has a hard on for my job. He had already filed a four page complaint on me and we were suppose to be trying to schedule mediation for in IAD. Of course that shit went out the door, because I had my troops arrest his dumb ass last night. How the fuck are you fifty years old and still acting and dressing like your dumb ass is in your twenties? Can someone please help me to understand?

However, I am digressing like a muthafuck, because that is not what this post is about. This post is about black folks and their funeral. I can not…I repeat, can not do another four hour funeral! How is a four hour funeral even remotely appropriate. Hell, even the castaways of the S.S. Minnow were only subject to a three hour tour, before the weather started getting rough and they wrecked out on Gilligan’s Island.

Things start off simple enough, pre-funeral I get messages from my telling me a generic location of where the funeral is going to be…”Hey, son, this is you mom. Jess’ funeral is going to be on Web Street. Love you. Bye.” Seriously, that is the extent of the message. How the hell those that tell me anything. Web street is a long ass, major street and you haven’t giving me the name of a church, cross street or nothing. C’mon now, mom. Can I get you to work with me? But that’s okay, because my cousin, who is the daughter of the man who passed away (no, that would not make him my uncle, it would make him the sperm donor of one of the many of my aunt‘s children), lives not to far from me so I already have it in my mind to just follow them to the funeral.

Then there was yesterday, right as I was walking out the door for work. I get another phone call from my mom….”Hey, son, this is your mom…(Yes, all her message start off like this to me. Like when addresses me as son I’m wondering who the heck is calling me)…do you have a pair of dress pants that Darwin can borrow for the funeral? Love you. Bye.” Hell no I don’t have a pair of dress pants that Darwin can wear for the funeral! My cousin Darwin is thirty eight years old, with a job. How the fuck do you live to be thirty years old and not have a suit, or at least a pair of dress pants, shirt and tie? I love you to death, cuz, but grow the fuck up! Plus, and I have told my mom this before, you can not call me and ask to borrow anything for anybody but yourself. These are grown ass people we are talking about here.

Fast forward to the funeral. I take my cousin, Jon-Jon (female), as son as we drive into the parking lot of the church she starts weeping. What the fuck? What you crying about?
Then we get in line, and I get stuck in line with the immediate family, because my mom and ’nem ain’t made it yet. I sit next to my cousin Janey’s boy friend and my Aynie (Aunt). I don’t get a program, because I the general set up for a funeral, what I need a program fo’? Boy was I wrong. First up. Praise dancer. Huh? Why is there a praise dancer at the funeral. They start the tap, I know the song and my mind immediately thinks, “I know she is not going to dance to this entire, long ass song.” She does and she wasn’t even good. I kid you not when I say that I had to bite my lip to stop from laughing or smiling, since I was so close to the front.

Now the choir was off the chain. They did an A, B and C selection (I told my sister later that I want that choir to sing at my funeral). Then their was all the other stuff that went down and two hours later I found myself asking my cousin’s man friend, to let me see the program. How long is this damn thing! (Yes, it was longer than this post). There was the sermon, five peopel joined church and by the time they got to the viewing of the dearly departed, I half expected to see people tossing their tithes and offerings into the casket.

I’ll end this post by just saying that the funeral started promptly at 12:30pm. It was a little after four by the time I left the church. Can you imaging if I had stayed to go to the burial. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it.
-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.

Side bar: Little Manny came with me mom and ‘nem. He runs to me and wants to hand out, which you know causes my heart to just over flow that he loves me so much. Anyway, I ask him, “Manny, what did you learn at school this week.”
His answer? “Nothing.” He is such a little bastard.

24 comments:

naijalines said...

"First up. Praise dancer. Huh? Why is there a praise dancer at the funeral. ...“I know she is not going to dance to this entire, long ass song.” She does and she wasn’t even good. I kid you not when I say that I had to bite my lip to stop from laughing or smiling, since I was so close to the front."

LOL!!! I would have had difficulty trying not to laugh too.

I bet you'd ask to see the programme b4 you attend another funeral. LMAO.
This post was too funny! Yeah Black folks don't do things by halves...Even funerals!

JACK said...

Praise Dancer. Are we THAT happy he's dead? We're referring to him as a sperm donor, so maybe so. I'm jus saying. Different strokes for different folks.

Was there an intermission? LMAO - that shit is crazy. Dique four hours. GOOD-BYE. Done. Now, let's eat. That's how it should go.

I don't talk much about the acutal funeral when someone in my family passes. There's always the people. We had two funerals last year. Drunk, loud ass Latinos arguing and shit. And then there's the group that showed up high and 5 members of my family piled into the bathroom. As in a one person at a time bathroom, one toilet, one sink - a bathroom. It was classy.

Now that I think about - the praise dancer was a nice touch. Awwwww.

RealHustla said...

I sat at a 4 hour funeral before. There was not entertainment. I was 36, I said 36 weeks pregnant. We had to wait until the immediate family got back from the grave yard before we could eat. I think I licked my plate that day.

Oh yeah. I laughed at my uncle's funeral. My uncle was a dancer. Some young dude honored his memory with some abstract dance interpretation of something with a big ass yellow sheet like thing. That shit was funny, I couldn't help myself.

FREEDOM said...

What is IAD? Just a little clueless...lol

Three people joined the church that day huh? That was good.

You know we black folks believe in going out with a "bang" type funerals. Never mind if you ain't did nothing for your community, society, self, or others while you were yet alive. But you will have a smokin funeral, not for the dearly departed per se, but for the family to show off. And your family and nay sayers to remember ALL your good (even if they are lying) and none of the bad...lol

I say give me my flowers, praise dance, songs of glory while I yet LIVE! If I am a sum of a gun please tell me so - so that I can get right and have an appreciation program instead lol! That way I can laugh at the praise dance myself (lol) and get them tithe and offerings for that Sunday too LOL! Instead of getting a long azz funeral when he was probably saying laying in that casket but Spirit looking around saying to himself, "What the uck she know she shoulda practiced that praise dance some more and chosen a different song and spared me and the congregation this foolishness"...lol

The Dreamy One said...

umhhh like what is a praise dancer,lol???

yeah grown men should have some dress pants,lol

you are so hilarious. you put a smile on my face!!

and things are gonna work out for you with that guy!!

love ya hon, stay up, i know how stressful your job can be!!!

Big O said...

I was at a funeral a couple weeks ago...and the line for comments went past 20, i politely left the building....just couldnt do it. I paid my respects by atleast going to the joint...didnt even know the girl..friend of my lil bro.

So is it odd that i heard a song at that funeral that i heard at a wedding i went to earlier this summer?? lol

Super Dave Van Buren said...

4 hours is too long. How about some respect for the living? I could see if they spent a couple hours talking about the departed's virtues and such but praise dancers and asking people to join the church? that's a bit much.
I asked my daughter what she learned at school and she said "everything" you know girls think they know it all.

One Man’s Opinion said...

Freedom: IAD is Internal Affairs Division. They are the police who police the polic...

Super Dave, you are right...boys are bastards. He is so funny though. He cracks me up ever time I see him.

Dreamy, shame on you for not knowing what a praise dancer is. Go to Youtube and type in praise dance.....

Jack, don't think some of my family, on that side, didn't get high, drunk and everything else after the funeral. That is exactly how they role. I just didn't have time to stick around. Had to get some sleep, before I headed off to work (where the drama of my work week continued).

arychtexas said...

First up. Praise dancer. Huh? Why is there a praise dancer at the funeral. They start the tap, I know the song and my mind immediately thinks, “I know she is not going to dance to this entire, long ass song.” She does and she wasn’t even good. I kid you not when I say that I had to bite my lip to stop from laughing or smiling, since I was so close to the front.

lol^^^^^lmto whew man you crazy...

FREEDOM said...

One Man thanks for clarifying that for me...lol

Oh yeah, I forgot to note that this funeral is a PERFECT example of why you should plan your our own funeral. I know many people do not want to think about their deaths. But we all must go someday and it is best for us to pre-plan and pre-pay (especially if you do not have a life insurance policy) for the services. If we write our own programs before our death and give a copy to more than one person (people we trust that will honor wishes), then we will have the funeral that we wanted regardless of how long it is and full of Humor…lol if we so desire!

I know at my funeral I am going to have people laughing while remembering ME. Even in my last visible moments on planet earth I expect to church to be filled with LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS because I am known for Cracking Jokes and SMILING all the Time!

FREEDOM said...

One more thing….I know (lol)

But if we actually take THE time and write out our obituary of how we want people to remember us. Then with this simple, yet POWERFUL reflection of our lives it will guide us to path where we KNOW we should be or headed to in our lives while we are still ALIVE AND BREATHING here on planet earth! It will also help us DO those things that we were created TO DO AND BE!

Manny is so cute!

Ieisha said...

And thus the "socialization" or "teaching" of Manny has began. Lmao at his response to your question.

But don't let up on him. Make him explain something to ya. Keeps him engaged and lets him know that you are interested in his education and his progress.

As for the funeral, that's a hot a$$ mess. Let's be real on thangs, spend an hour to pay respects and then keep it moving.

I could be wrong but I am way too efficient to be held up for 4 hours. Uh uh, not gonna happen.

Don't blame you for not going to the burial.

One Man’s Opinion said...

Freedom, funny you should mention it, because this funeral was so long I had time to plan my own and it is not allowed to be over an hour long. I'm going to make out invites a head of time and yes, it will be by invite only. Plus, I have already requested the choir from the church with the long ass service. They were singing their asses off.

Desy said...

hahahaha! I'm lovin Manny...

Four hours! Wow! is he Catholic by some chance (based on the post, i can tell he's not, but that is really the only reason why a service should be so damn long)... and the crying in the car out of no where.. ummmm, not me...

FREEDOM said...

One Man...my Mom said her funeral is to by invitation only too. She said if didn't take the time to spend with her while she was alive. Don't come looking over while she is dead.

One Man’s Opinion said...

Freedom, tell your mom I love her, I hope the invites don't go out anytime soon.

JayBee said...

people's funerals are getting out of control. that's too much going on. funerals, in my opinion, need to be as short as possible. why torture peoples' loved ones by keeping them in the church with all that emotion for any longer than they have to be? i've seen praise and worship at a funeral too. never seen the praise dancer though, but it doesn't suprise me. people are soooo extra nowadays. i take it there wasn't a whole lot of theatrics for the viewing of the body. surely you would have included such important details.

lyre said...

Sounds like manny is right on track! LOL You are such a great Uncle.

One Man’s Opinion said...

Surprisingly, no, Jaybee. No drama at the coffin viewing. I think they were too exhausted by the time that came around. LOL

Mizrepresent said...

Wow, just WOW!

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

they listened to the mayor this time lol

and hats off to phyllis wheatly on this day

cathouse teri said...

I'm sure Little Manny Man is under the impression that learning is not what he's in school for! Just ask, "What did you DO in school." That works better. :)

Your funeral story was hilarious. I have only attended a handful of funerals in my life. And they were all short and quite pleasantly well suited to remembrance of the loved one.

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

DEAD @ praise dancer.

Madam Z said...

I don't think I could sit still for four hours for ANY occasion. But I sure do enjoy sitting still for 10 minutes or so, reading your entertaining stories.