Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Yes Godfather

I am a horrible godparent. My cousin gave me the honor of being the Godfather to his baby boy and invited me to the Christening on Sunday. I felt so bad, because I didn’t know the kids name, nor did I know how old the kid was. I didn’t even go to the hospital when the child was born. Isn’t that terrible? So, I made it up in my mind that I would go to the Christening, regardless. Come hell or high water, I was going to be there. Lucky for me, I remembered where the church was, because it was right across the street from the Methodist Church I grow up in.

My cousin left a message on my answering machine telling me that the pastor, his father-in-law, wanted the Godparents to be at church at least by one o’clock. This was great, because it gave me ample time to get some sleep before heading out. I got there ten minute prior , just encase they started early (I don’t know who I was fooling). LOL. The pastor of the church is one of those pastors who love to hear themselves talk and don’t know when to shut the hell up.

The church is huge, but the congregation is small. After I take my seat towards the front, back, waiting for the pastor to shut the hell up, I do a head count of the people in the huge church. Yeah, there were that few a number that I felt I could do a head count, although I don‘t know what possessed me to perform a tactical head count. I’d say there was no more than a hundred folks in the church, which would have held about a thousand comfortably, and that was including the children.

When they are about to perform the Christening ceremony, my cousin looks back and sees me (I know his ass didn’t expect me to come), but I don’t let down family or friends. I throw up the peace sign at him and he motions for me to come sit up front with him and his ugly wife. I shake my head ’no’ so he comes back and gets me. He informs me that the Pastor wants all the Godparents to sit up front, so I concede and go up front. Wifey hands me over my little Godchild, childhood obesity lives folks, and I learn his name and how old he is (6 months). I play with him and tell my cousin that I needed him to hold me accountable as this child’s Godfather; meaning that if he ever needed for anything, they needed to call my ass up.

After the ceremony, comes the offering and this is also where I start the payment account on my one way ticket to Hell.

****This has nothing to do with me being a bad Godparent so feel free not to read. Note: If you choose to read then know you run the risk of taking that nonstop flight to Hell with me.*****

It has literally been ages since I have been held captive at a church, while the pastor begs for money. I hate that shit too. It drive me nuts.

The Pastor, who I don’t like because my cousin tells me how he is the father in-law from hell, plus he talks to damn much…The pastor tells us, the congregation, how every first Sunday they have this little contest where they have tribes. At the offering table there is one gold tray and one silver tray. The silver tray is the tribe of Isaac and the gold tray is the tribe of Jacob. Then he precedes to ramble on and one about the damn trays, having one of the two men up there for offering hold up the tray he is speaking on. These trays are lifted no less than three times a piece.

I’m like, “Alright, already! I get it! Can we get on with the damn offering. Fuck!” Then he goes on to say how he is with the tribe of Jacob, so any visitors in the house could feel free to put their offering in the gold tray. I make up in my mine that my offering was going straight into the silver one. Then he says how their goal is to collect three hundred dollars, per tray. I am like, “What the fuck?” Mind you, I have already done a head count and I know God is good, but there was no way he was going to get six hundred dollars from that lot. I had only brought in a ten my damn self.

When he finally starts the offering and a tally is done, it turns out there is only 65 dollars in the gold tray (they never give a total for the silver tray, but from where I sat I could tell that more people had placed money in that tray than the gold one. Anyway, do the pastor proceeds to beg for more money in the gold tray. He even calls out the member of the tribe of Jacob, asking them to raise their hands to show were they were. Then he proceeds to say that he gave twenty of the sixty-five dollars, so he knew they were hold out.

This shit went on for a good fifteen minutes and the only reason I didn’t leave was because I wanted to takes some pictures of my Godson. Still, that shit was ridiculous. And all the time I was sitting there I was thinking, besides the dirty words, “this is why people have started robbing churches.” Ain’t that wrong? I know God will forgive me though. We cool like that.
But seriously, whatever happen to that saying about God loving a cheerful giver? It ain’t cheerful if your ass has to beg for it. The people gave what they planned on giving, move on with it. I was so mad by the time I left that church I know I lost any blessing that I might have received just by being there. As a matter of fact, just because of the thoughts I was thinking I just knew that if Jesus had come back in that moment my ass would have went straight to hell.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.


Q said...

In church I always ask my neighbor to borrow ten dollars. If they don't acquiesce I tell them that "God don't like ugly"

Super Dave Van Buren said...

I'm mad he put a dollar amount on the tribute. He should be happy with whatever they get. Some churches are better than others.

Gotta Let it Out said...

You are a raging riot!!! I’m with you on this one though…

When my older brother was baptized after he had spent 5 years in prison, I went to the ceremony and the preacher rolled up in an escalade, which, was confirmed by some Tammy-talks-a lot to be 1 of 4 that resides at his home. So I figured the fact that, that collection plate was passed around 5 TIMES was simply to make that car note. The straw that broke the camels back was the fact that I sat in the front row with my nephew, and this dude was STARING at my boobages! No, they weren’t hanging out or anything outrageous. He just had no shame. Asking me for a hug and shit before I left… he almost got cut. He’s damn lucky I don’t cut people when the nieces and nephews are around. That bastard. Pastor or not, he was bouts to be sliced!

RealHustla said...

How do you think you are going to hell for having these thoughts. You would be worse off not questioning the shistey (sp?) ways of this pastor. He's probably in a panic because it take more than 100 folk to pay the electric bill in that huge joint. Pastor needs to concede to down size and/or have faith that God is going to take care of him and the congregation.

Two trays, a tally, and a long lecture? Wrong. That's my 2 cents, now am I going to hell?

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

Did you call the wife ugly? LOL

I don't trust pastors like the one in your story.

Promiscuous X said...

Okay Yeah ....Ima need to you to remember your godsons name sir lol.

I hate when the pastor be up there begging for money. It pisses me off completely. The holy ghost just exits the building LOL. I always put in like 1 to 5 dollars into the collection plate.

LOL @ thoughts I was thinking I just knew that if Jesus had come back in that moment my ass would have went straight to hell.

Ieisha said...

That pastor is as fake as a two dollar bill. Him and Jesse Jackson must be thick as thieves.

Can't stand churches that do that mess. So stank.

If you're going to hell for writing that, I know who's sitting next to you on that express train---yep, that trifling pastor! Lol.

cathouse teri said...

What a terrible story! I can only shake my head.

I thought it was funny that you called your cousin's wife ugly and your godson obese! Is he obese at six months?

My ex husband called our son, Jake, the other day and was chatting with him. He soon made this comment, in reference to Jake's baby boy ~ "So how is the kid doing... what's his name again?"

This is my ex husband's only grandson.

Stew said...

well at least something good came out of it. you got to see your godson and learn his name. the pastor does not surprise me though.

you did not have to call out the wife though, she could have a beautiful soul.

Dusty Boot said...

Gotta love the pastors. The pastor 3 houses down from me has 2 BMW's and a Jaguar. He's going to hell too. lol. Isn't offering supposed to be freely given and whatever you can afford. I hate churches.... I'll see you in hell. :)

KC said...

Are black folks the only ones who make family members God parents thereby confusing the heck out of the poor children?

Turn me up a lil said...

The offering was pure FUCKERY!!!!
Someone needs to do some internal

One Man’s Opinion said...

It is so nice to know that I will not be going to hell alone. I'm going to sit next to Gotta, so she can protect me from the Devil.

KC, I don't know if my folks are the only ones who provide Godparents for their children, but I also don't know why you think it confuses the kids. It is actually a procautionary thing, and a great honor. I means that you trust this person to raise your child if anything every happens to you. Now, if this every really happens or not, I doubt. I know if anything, God forbid, happens to my cousin and his wife, that the grand parent will snatch him up in a second. And I ain't fighting with those evil beings.

Stew, trust me when I say the soul is ugly too. Sorry, that is just the weight of what is real. I stole that from Ieshia.

The Dreamy One said...

One Man, God is gonna come down and get your black azz if you dont stop,lol

and thats me i dont like no ole begging azz people. ugggghhh like wth!!!

thats why i dont like visiting somones church where the pastor goes on and on.......its annoying

KC said...

True, true..I agree that is is kinda cute how we keep it all in the family. I have an auntie who doubles as a god-mother, I am God-mother to my little cousin and my uncle is my God-father...I think - damn it, it IS

Darius T. Williams said...

Boy - you're funny as hell. I guess I'm going to hell with you. I hate pastors that beg too - and you didn't call your cousin's wife ugly...did you? Too funny!

Sha Boogie said...

You kill me!

So mad @ you for not knowing anything about the child, besides his weight, HAHA!

But, I am even more upset with the pastor and his two tribes, offering competition @ss!

Linda said...

What the.....?!

Your ass would be in hell? What about that crazy pastor?

I can only think of that genisis song from 1992.... 'Cause Jesus he knows me, and he knows I'm right..' *LOL*

Time to pick another church yo ;)
greetings from holland!

King's Kid said...

" me when I say the soul is ugly too. Sorry, that is just the weight of what is real......" That is to be expected with a money grubbing false Preacher as her example of godliness. While he spent 15 minutes begging he should have been lifting up Jesus instead of fake "gold and silver trays".

You won't go to "hell" or the Lake of Fire for knowing the truth! Only for not obeying it!!

"Shepherds" like him have always made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, also the "Profitliars" that will give you a "word from the lawd"--for a price, "Just get in the $50/$100 line.

They will be living life abundantly in the LAKE OF FIRE.


mista ecks said...

this is why I don't go to church.