Thursday, July 3, 2008

Don't Hate on the Pimp Nail

What you know about the pimp nail?

You don’t know jack about the pimp nail, that’s what! Let me tell yall a little story. When I was younger, much younger, my mom would cut my nails; toes and fingers. I use to fight against it all the time. Not because the initial cutting hurt, but because she always cut them too short…To the quick; and if you’ve ever had your nails cut to the quick you know what an irritating sensation that can be. It is because of my mom that I began to bite my finger nails and she is also the reason that I don’t like cutting my finger nails, period.

Anyway, to stop my mom from doing the deed for me, I developed the bad habit of biting my nails (both my fingers and toes). As I grew less flexible I neglected my toe nails all together and just concentrated on biting my finger nails. After all, the toe nails could be hidden by shoes and socks. Of course, since I was not biting or cutting my toe nails they grew extra long. I am talking about to the point that my big toe would cut a hole through both my socks and my shoes. I had the holiest foot wear in town. It was actually very embarrassing, and if I’d cared anything about being popular I probably would have done something about it. But I had a fuck the popular people mentality back then. Still do, actually. LOL

When I was in my early twenties, right at twenty actually, I decided to stop biting my nails. I just wanted to see if I could do it. Well, it is hard as hell to break a bad habit so I thought I’d start off slow by no longer biting my pinky nails. Thus grew the pimp nail, which most people (including myself) associate with drug dealers. But trust me when I say that I was never into trends and plus I think I had mine long before the pimps, thugs and crack heads got theirs. I was well ahead of my time.

Anyway, eventually I stopped biting my nails altogether, except for my thumb nails. I never stopped biting those. Mainly because, as you all know by now, I still suck my thumb (and am not ashamed). Funny thing about allowing my finger nails to grew…Once I did, my toe nails didn’t grew as fast. Nobody believes me when I tell them this, but it is true. And when they do get too long, to the point that they are cutting hoes into my socks, now I use my pocket knife to cut into a corner and cut those babies back. (Am I a hillbilly ass negro or what?)

Anyway, I never knew how obsessed people were with the length of a brother’s nails until I stopped biting mine and just let nature take it’s course with them. I mean, other than motherly figures who would always look at my fingers and tell me that I needed to stop biting my nails, no one ever paid any attention, whatsoever, to the length of my nails. However, once they started growing I would always get comments, if I was in a position where people could my hands.

“Why you let your nails grow so long?” was the common question.

“So my toe nails will stop growing so long,” was my quick and honest response. “That and because I stopped biting my nails.”
“Why don’t you cut them.”

“If I was going to cut them I might as well bite them. I don’t do nail clippers.”
“Why don’t you have them manicured?”
“Because I don’t want to have them manicured. Look at my nails, do these look like the nails of a person who cares what his finger tips look like. They eventually break on their own anyway.”
The truth is, if you see my nails when they are all of a significant length you can tell that I don’t care one way or another about them. There is dirty underneath the tips, because it is hard as hell to keep them clean. And they are all of various lengths, because they are not grown for fashion or show. They grew because that is what nails do. Just like they break because that is what nails do. Leave me the fuck alone.
Anyway, every now and again I get so sick of people asking me about the length of my nails, I gnaw them down to a more sociably acceptable length (the length you see in the picture), all but the pimp nail.
I love the pimp nail. First, because it signifies my individuality on the police department (That and my on again off again soul patch). The truth is, the police department has very strict guideline on facial hair and the length of one’s nails. I am in violation in both regards, but screw them. I got to be me, and since they won’t let me get the dreads I crave…..
Besides, the pimp nail has many uses. It can be used to clean the dirt from under your other nails. It can be used to pry that annoying bit of food loose from your back teeth (uncouth, I know, but it can be done nonetheless). It can be used to loosen a screw. I can be used to get deep into that itching ear cavity. It can be used to scratch or reach that ever elusive booger. I mean, the list goes on and on.
So, you can see why I can’t do without the pimp nail. I just can‘t.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.
Boy, I bet yall are sick of learning thing about me, huh? LOL


Super Dave Van Buren said...

Dude, I have the exact same nail. But I trim my other ones. I keep the pinky nail because it's great for scratching stuff. you ever try to scratch with trimmed nails? it's impossible.

So I'm gathering you an ashy dude with long dirty fingernails. Throw on a drity ripped shirt and you could go undercover as a homeless dude.. lmao

RealHustla said...

OMG. I thought that I would be the first comment but Super Dave beat me to it. I wanted to call out to the rest to give you and intervention.

I really like you One Man, but there are some things that just need to change. Please understand that I'm telling you this in love. You wouldn't even have to stop sucking your thumb (at least not right away).

If not for common courtesy of others (I know you shit on that), at least do it for more ass. Do you know how much ass you are repelling with long dirty nails and chronic ashyness? When the outside looks so rough, don't know woman want to imagine what it look like in yo draws. It don't matter if smell like lavender and roses in there, you have to give women something to work with.

And Dave, I can't believe you have this nasty nail too? If you keep it clean I guess it's okay, but a dirty nail is definitely not okay.

I've heard myself say "you obviously have no intentions of touching me with those dirty nails. " many times.

KC said...

If it brings you any comfort, not that you seem to need it, I know other grown a-s men who such their thumbs as well- smile. I recently got on a girlfriend of mine for her "back to nature" look in the manicure department. She had some long nails, some short and one long ass "pimp pinkie" going on. I cracked on her so long and hard she FINALLY got a manicure. I ain't mad at the pimp nail....i'm just sayin'.....

naijalines said...

I agree with realhustla. A well groomed guy is more favoured by women of today. So beta get a manicure bro! You know I blogove you really... See my comment to you on Guerreirra Nigeriana's blog:)

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

The pimp nail is not cute. And it's dirty. Nah bruh.

You are one interesting man.

One Man’s Opinion said...

Super Dave let me just say if they let me do the dread thing I would be so all over going undercover.

Realhustla and Naij, yall best re-adjust. When I get dressed up, I am on point. And I dress up for court some other events. I just like the natural look. I don't put on airs, I want to be taken as is. You get no surprises with me. You know I am a laid back brother, who can look good when he has too, pimp nail and all. You heard me?

One Man’s Opinion said...

Najia....You best stop laughing at me. Yall know yall sing along with good songs.

One Man’s Opinion said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eb the Celeb said...

Why is it called the "pimp nail"

and for the record... that's some tacky ish!

RealHustla said...

One Man. As a representative of the all natural movement ( I mean I have dreads myself), I implore you to reconsider your approach. You can not confuse all natural with all nasty. This is why I have to fight so much criticism about my hair.

And besides you don't want to be responsible for carrying foreign bacteria into secret places do you? This could be all bad for both you and your lady. Yes, we do think about things like this when we look at a man's hands.

I'm just trying to help YOU out.

Dreamy said...

imma need your crazy azz to get it together,lol

and my brother used to bite his damn toe nails, talk about disgusting,lol

what are we gonna do with you????

Curious said...

Shocked speechless.

WTF, live and let live is what I say.

Linda said...

Noooooooooooooooooooo.... not you too! Looks like another brother fell victim to this fashion disaster! *lol* ;)

A man in our church (yeah, one of the three men) has one too.. and I'm just scared to shake his hand, man.. gives me the shivers..

btw - you're not alone in the thumbsucking.. I can name at least 5 people (including my husband and I) who have done that until their 20's. It seems like it passes with marriage, don't ask me why though.. maybe it's the same as with the toenails that stopped growing ;)

greetings from holland!

Mizrepresent said...

I met a brother that had that same nail...and yeah i asked why he was sporting the pimp nail's a good thing that he was manly enuf to pull it off and had others talents...because i quickly forgot all about it.

Ieisha said...


Bobby_2010 said...

That is some nastiness alright...but hell you are a grown ass what you feel!!

Brittany said...

I was cool with your lil story until you said you take out your knife on your toe nails.
I used to bite my nails all the time. Then one day someone told me how nasty it was and I stopped.

Anonymous said...

The Pimp Nail was also a sign of a person who was a consumer of Columbian Marching Powder

Stew said...

i like to grow my nails, and i have got to the point where i can get them to be pretty long.

it is weird though, because i ALWAYS bit them off when i drink. i wonder why i do that.

Madam Z said...

Okay, I'm willing to compromise. Keep the pimp nail, since it's such a valuable tool, and so important to you as a symbol of your individuality. But keep those other nine bad boys trimmed and clean! I don't care if you cut them with scissors or with a band saw! Just cut them! If they're real short, there's not as much room to collect dirt.

Now I'm curious. Are you attracted to WOMEN with long, scraggly, dirty fingernails? Huh? Huh?? Be honest, now. I didn't THINK so!

Madam Z said...

P.S. The thumb-sucking is fine. At least that way you have ONE clean fingernail.

Ms Smack said...

Beautiful nail, but not on a dude, sorry mate. I am curious though, how can you have such a beautiful nail and let your skin go all dry and manky??

One Man’s Opinion said...

HEY, didn't I say DON'T hate on the Pimp Nail!

A Go Bytch said...

Pimp Nail you say? LOL

Ms Smack said...

I don't HATE HATE it, but it'd bug me. What if you catch a delicate bit of girl-skin with it or something? Ouchie!

soulbrotha said...

Look At This Nigger...dedicated to taking a look at my people and trying to uncover why it is that we do [what we do] and say the things we say that only lead to our own detriment.



ewwwwww...that's a pimp nail? In MI if you have a nail like that...u'd be suspected of tooting 'caine.

on a diff note...i'm just glad u lotioned up b4 taking the pic!! lol

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Anonymous said...

Everybody loves growing long nails . boys or girls it doesn't make any difference. . There's something about having Claws at the end of your fingertips. I bit my finger nails down so far that I almost lost them. I really got scared. So I stop biting them. And now they're starting to get lonģ . But people don't care that I almost lost my fingernails. They only look at how long they're getting. So I don't get it. Nobody ever complained about my bitten down fingernails. Now they don't like my long fingernails. So if any guy wants to grow their nails go for it. ( I'm so proud I stop the nail biting habit. FOR NOW. Wish me luck

abige said...

Wiw there is some1else iut there who has noticed toenails grow slower when u grow the finger uns. Pimp nail 4eva (Sorry) lol