Don't Hate on the Pimp Nail

What you know about the pimp nail?

You don’t know jack about the pimp nail, that’s what! Let me tell yall a little story. When I was younger, much younger, my mom would cut my nails; toes and fingers. I use to fight against it all the time. Not because the initial cutting hurt, but because she always cut them too short…To the quick; and if you’ve ever had your nails cut to the quick you know what an irritating sensation that can be. It is because of my mom that I began to bite my finger nails and she is also the reason that I don’t like cutting my finger nails, period.

Anyway, to stop my mom from doing the deed for me, I developed the bad habit of biting my nails (both my fingers and toes). As I grew less flexible I neglected my toe nails all together and just concentrated on biting my finger nails. After all, the toe nails could be hidden by shoes and socks. Of course, since I was not biting or cutting my toe nails they grew extra long. I am talking about to the point that my big toe would cut a hole through both my socks and my shoes. I had the holiest foot wear in town. It was actually very embarrassing, and if I’d cared anything about being popular I probably would have done something about it. But I had a fuck the popular people mentality back then. Still do, actually. LOL

When I was in my early twenties, right at twenty actually, I decided to stop biting my nails. I just wanted to see if I could do it. Well, it is hard as hell to break a bad habit so I thought I’d start off slow by no longer biting my pinky nails. Thus grew the pimp nail, which most people (including myself) associate with drug dealers. But trust me when I say that I was never into trends and plus I think I had mine long before the pimps, thugs and crack heads got theirs. I was well ahead of my time.

Anyway, eventually I stopped biting my nails altogether, except for my thumb nails. I never stopped biting those. Mainly because, as you all know by now, I still suck my thumb (and am not ashamed). Funny thing about allowing my finger nails to grew…Once I did, my toe nails didn’t grew as fast. Nobody believes me when I tell them this, but it is true. And when they do get too long, to the point that they are cutting hoes into my socks, now I use my pocket knife to cut into a corner and cut those babies back. (Am I a hillbilly ass negro or what?)

Anyway, I never knew how obsessed people were with the length of a brother’s nails until I stopped biting mine and just let nature take it’s course with them. I mean, other than motherly figures who would always look at my fingers and tell me that I needed to stop biting my nails, no one ever paid any attention, whatsoever, to the length of my nails. However, once they started growing I would always get comments, if I was in a position where people could my hands.

“Why you let your nails grow so long?” was the common question.

“So my toe nails will stop growing so long,” was my quick and honest response. “That and because I stopped biting my nails.”

“Why don’t you cut them.”

“If I was going to cut them I might as well bite them. I don’t do nail clippers.”

“Why don’t you have them manicured?”

“Because I don’t want to have them manicured. Look at my nails, do these look like the nails of a person who cares what his finger tips look like. They eventually break on their own anyway.”

The truth is, if you see my nails when they are all of a significant length you can tell that I don’t care one way or another about them. There is dirty underneath the tips, because it is hard as hell to keep them clean. And they are all of various lengths, because they are not grown for fashion or show. They grew because that is what nails do. Just like they break because that is what nails do. Leave me the fuck alone.

Anyway, every now and again I get so sick of people asking me about the length of my nails, I gnaw them down to a more sociably acceptable length (the length you see in the picture), all but the pimp nail.

I love the pimp nail. First, because it signifies my individuality on the police department (That and my on again off again soul patch). The truth is, the police department has very strict guideline on facial hair and the length of one’s nails. I am in violation in both regards, but screw them. I got to be me, and since they won’t let me get the dreads I crave…..

Besides, the pimp nail has many uses. It can be used to clean the dirt from under your other nails. It can be used to pry that annoying bit of food loose from your back teeth (uncouth, I know, but it can be done nonetheless). It can be used to loosen a screw. I can be used to get deep into that itching ear cavity. It can be used to scratch or reach that ever elusive booger. I mean, the list goes on and on.

So, you can see why I can’t do without the pimp nail. I just can‘t.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.

Boy, I bet yall are sick of learning thing about me, huh? LOL