Friday, April 4, 2008

The Irrepressible Fart


Did it ever occur to any of you that God gave us farts because he thought it was some type of hysterical, practical joke? C'mon now; gas out the ass...you know that shyt is funny. I know that already, at the ripe ole age of two, my nephew thinks that breaking wind is the funniest thing in the world. If he so much as gets a sniff of something not quite right his little butt is quick with the accusations.

Him: Uncle One Man, did you poot? Ewwww, you nasty. (Laughs his little butt off).

Me: Boy, didn't nobody poot. You the one who’s nasty. (More laughter, this time from both of us. Yeah, great role model. I know.)

My nephew is a nut and may I just say that he poots are not cute. Trust me.
Anyway, this is my embarrassing fart story...and believe me when I tell you that I've never had an embarrassing fart story. At least to one where I was the farter… Now, keep in mind that the only reason I am sharing this story with you is because the details that lead to my unfortunate passing of gas, in a public forum, has apparently already spread like wild fire throughout the station. While I was on my days off no less. Sgt. Lupe was nice enough to let me know that it was the subject of conversation, coming in second only to the officer that falsely reported his car stolen in order to collect the insurance money.

So, it is around 3:30am and me and Sgt, let’s call him Trisket, have just returned from eating at IHOP. He had the quick egg breakfast and I had the BLT and fries. Who knew that bacon gave me gas? That's ludicrous. Well, we are the only two people back in the Sergeant's area and I can feel the workings of a gas attack. Well, being the well-mannered gentleman that my mom raised me to be, I get up and leave the area, so I can pass my gas in private. Polite, right? Because you know some people act like you wanna fall victim to their gas attack. I know I use to ride with this female officer who would just let 'r rip with no fair warning. And she had those silent but deadly jokers that would attack all five of your senses, not just your sense of smell. You know that crap ain't lady like. And she wouldn't even acknowledge that she had done anything. She'd just keep on driving the squad car as if she hadn't just laid a dozen invisible, rotten eggs. And my dumb ass would be stuck, riding along with my damn head hanging out the window. I ain't lying!
Anyhow, once I have vacated the Sergeant's area, I head for one of the side doors, only to realize that I have forgotten my card that gives me access back inside of the station. Damn! Plan B it is. I'll just let it go in the detail room. It should be empty. While headed that way I am hindered by a female officer, from another watch. She has a question. Before she can say a word I hold up a finger, in order to let her know that I'd be with her in a second. I enter the detail room and I'll be damned if there weren't two officer's sitting in there, check there city email. Well, too late now, because I am trying to hold back one of those aggressive farts, that will not be denied. You know the kind that insist on making its presence know, whether you like it or not. The best I can do is clinch the cheeks and hope that I can suppress the sound and exit, stage left, before the smell engulfed the room.
So, I pass the gas. Now, that wasn't so bad. Silent. No odor. I go back into the main area to see what the officer, who I use to work with on a different channel, wants. She apologizes and says she could tell there was something on my mind. I come clean and let her know that it was not my mind that I was worried about and we both have a nice little chuckle. She didn’t really want anything of importance so I go back into the sergeant’s area, where Sgt. Trisket is completing paperwork. We had been discussing how I was going to use up a vacation day, since I came in on my Friday to help him out, even though I was maxed out on vacation time (I hate giving time to the City). The female comes around the corner and somehow we all get caught up in a dialogue regarding the farting habits of the human race. She tells Sergeant Trisket about our near fart encounter. At that moment I feel the urge to fart, again. This one is more powerful than the rest, the big brother to the one that I had treated so badly just moments before, and I excuse myself and try to run from the area. Before I can get around the row of cubicles good, you hear this loud trumpet of butt music. And I mean loud. I was so embarrassed, as I hear Sgt. Trisket and the female officer, burst out in laughter, that I actually blushed. People don’t think black folks blush, but we do. It takes a lot to make it noticeable, but it happens. Trisket and the female officer are cracking up, and so am I, because it is funny. Well, the incident was funny, the smell was not. Not only was this fart loud, it was funky. You know your fart stinks when even you are offended by it. You know how normally we are immune to our own farts, but not this bad boy. And besides that, it was that clingy kind of smell that followed you around, like your butt had a smell magnet attached to it. Oh, and to make matters worse, later on that morning, Sgt. Trisket found a web site with various ring tones and would play the fart tone one. You know that ain’t professional.

So, there you have it. My one and only embarrassing fart tell. So now you know I am wanting to hear a fart tell from you folks.
Do you fart in front of friends and co-workers?
Do you fart in front of your boy friend or girl friend?
When dating, when is it okay to share a fart with that special someone?

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.

Just a side bar. TODAY IS THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE ASSINATION OF DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING. I know how inappropriate it is for me to tell a fart story on such a day.

44 comments:

Brittany said...

This story is hilarious. It sounded like a trumpet.
See I am not going to be the girl that says "oh girls don't fart." I have done it in front of a significant other after dating for awhile and then I accidentally did it in front of a friend in high school once. We were jumping up and down and that bad boy slipped out. LMAO

And yes I am still a girl who is a princess! Lets see if any other females will be willing to share!!!! lol

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

LOL You had me laughing hard.

I've let one rip in front of my significant other before. I was so shame but he encourages me to do it.

I believe everyone has a fart story b/c sometimes they let loose on their own. And I know everyone has coughed or sneezed and farted at the same time.

One Man’s Opinion said...

The worst farts are the ones that come with juice.

Curious said...

No comment. That's another thing I have nightmares about. That's one of the things that if the earth opened up like in the Ten Commandments and swallowed me up like Edward G Robinson, it still couldn't hide the shame I felt.

mp1 v.8.0 said...

Only one that i can think of now, but I know it's a few of them.

Once I was eating dinner with the fam. Then I sneezed and the fart came out the other end. At the same time while everyone was eating. I got cussed out to the nth level

JayBee said...

i laughed out loud twice. you paint a good picture when you tell a story.

One Man’s Opinion said...

MP, I'm just gonna say it. You nasty. LOL

Brittany said...

Where are the females????

UBERMOUTH said...

I can top that!
I was walking down the aisle of a grocery store when I farted with every step I took..like a whole orchestra was following me:a sound track. People looked at me, as they were loud, but short and I thought ' is this nightmare going to end?'

Mizrepresent said...

One Man, this is so funny to me, bc, i was just thinking about farts today while driving home from work. Like how i can't fart sitting down, i have to raise up in my seat to let it go...an on one bad day, how i would constantly rush to my co-workers cube to grab the Febreeze to dispel any odd smells coming from my cube...or how while grocery shopping i'm doing la-di-da down the grocery aisle and run into one of the funkiest farts this side of earth...and the lady who is shopping ahead of me acts like it's not hers'...but i know better, i know you can't just release it and get away, oh no, that smell stays with you, attaches to you, lays dormant for the next waiting victim to be assaulted by it. I remember a co-worker hopping off the elevator and pulling me aside, telling me she had just farted and left it in the elevator and Hell naw, the truth came out, just seconds later when her foul gas enveloped both of us...and i knew, it's true, gas attaches, it doesn't leave you, it's a dayum stalker, it follows you and lies and waits for the innocent. My take on FARTS, enjoy and lift up...there is no sense in repressing...it's gonna come out whether we like it or not! In fact, i ain't gonna lie, i like farting, but mostly in my car.

-eve- said...

Ahahahah! It's a funny story :-)
Hmmm.. my ex used to love farting silently in the car and waiting for me to catch on, then laughingly watch me trying to hold my breath while he contemplated when he'd open the windows...

Desy said...

you are so silly hun...

and did you just say the worst farts come with juice *smh*

every now and then, i do the walk and release... and then there are the ones you expect to be silent and they are too loud to cover...lol...

*crossing legs in girly fashion with wide eyes*...wha...?

That Girl Tam said...

LMAO!!

Well...I'm gassy by nature. No matter what I eat, pretty much everything gives me gas...so between belching and farting - I could probably start my own band! HAHAHA...I am probably the MOST vulgar girlie girl you'll ever come across!

I'm a lady...but I'll cuss you out, belch in your face and fart as I'm walkin out the room! Damn...I wonder where my kids get it from...lol

One Man’s Opinion said...

Yall all nasty. I too have do the walk in release, normally in the store. Letting out little puffs as you go works for me, so times. The trick is to be able to control your gas.
Miz, I think most females lean to one side, when sitting. to release the gas. I think yall believe it to be lady-like, like riding a horse side saddle. I like to just let it vibrate through the chair, myself.
The worst part about gas is you never know when they are gonna think or not. Normally mine's smell like now-a-laters.

Ms Smack said...

Oh I just can't do it. Only in private, and only when I'm alone. Even in ten years of marriage, I doubt I'd willingly let one slip. If I did, I'd be mortified.

Hilarious post though. Thanks as usual, for the giggles!

xx Smack

Thembi said...

This post had me doubled over with laughter! Does that make me immature?

I think the best way to call out someone who farted without being mean is to ask "did you just fart?" in a British accent. It really takes the edge off and sounds so classy. Try it.

IVENTBYBLOGGING said...

Twin-u is real nasty!
but I have a fart/boo-boo story.

Ok, at my job-there's older people there and they have no shame walking down the hall w/air freshener en route to the bathroom. I'd look at them like dang.."is it that serious??"

well, too bad on this one Fri, I didn't take a page from their book.

Being new to my department I skedaddled to the cafeteria (we didn't have one in my other dept) and omg...they had cooked Sunday dinner on Fri! Homemade Mac& Chz, Collard Greens, Fried Chicken, Cornbread etc. MMMMmmmm....I threw down! I was so happy in knowing I worked for a company that had cooking skills like this! long story short, half an hour later (after eating)-i was ready to detonate. I was typing out an order and my stomach gurgled. And it gurgled again, and again each time with more urgency to the point that I literally felt the color drain from my face (if anyone has ever seen "Dumb & Dumber," Jeff Daniels played the part to a T!). SMH

I am lactose intolerant and i gave NO CONSIDERATION to that fact while gulping down that heaping helping of Mac & Chz..Greens also have a laxative effect on me.

Realizing I had no time to spare I quickly signed out AND RAN to the bathroom. (the good thing about doing #2- was there's a bathroom stall that flushed for 1.5 min straight.)I enter the bathroom and stop cold, bcuz i see someone is occupying the stall next to my STALL! OMG..my stomach is rumbling, grumbling, gurgling, talking, and threatening me...telling me I BETTER MAKE AN EXECUTIVE DECISION OR IT WILL BE MADE FOR ME! I shrugged my shoulders and head towards my stall. I put the paper on the toilet, plop my butt down, and begin to mentally will this heffa next to me-to get up and go. she wouldn't. ok...so now I'm praying and BEGGING GOD TO PLS make this heffa get outta here so i can handle my biz. By that time...my feet were curled, my fists were balled, and my eyes were rolled into my head as I attempted- feebly to keep my bowels in check. The heffa is STILL next to me, and I'M CONVINCED SHE'S DOING IT ON PURPOSE!! Not to be outdone, I looked at the wall that separated us and had a faux conversation...I said "oh u don't wanna leave? u won't get outta here? I got something for you" AND I LET IT RIPPPPPPPPP...it was the most disgusting, foul smelling, vile sounding mix of diarrhea, farts, plops ( I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING NOW!!) Didn't her toilet flush then??? I was laughing and plopping, and pooping as if i was a maniac. I was so happy I didn't mess my clothes, I could care less about her nose & ears being assaulted! As a precaution I lifted my feet and put them up against the door so she couldn't identify me!

I plopped, plopped, dropped, dropped, squeezed, (intestines) contracted to my hearts content for approx the next 10 min and dared (mentally) anyone to come into that bathroom. And between the episodes i'd flush the toilet and bcuz it ran for like 1.5 min it provided a soothing relief to my senses.

*sigh*
can i tell u I was sweating, with hair plastered over my forehead after it was all over? that was the closest I had felt to pregnancy labor in a lonnnnng time! lol

and the following week when i told my co-workers they said "oh yeah, we forgot to tell u, the mac will make u boo-boo!" so i always tell new hires DO NOT EAT THE MAC OR THE GREENS! idiots.

Desy said...

wow... what a story ivent...

thoroughly impressed with the openess... but DAAAAAAAANG...lol

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

LOL sargent trisket sounds like a cracker (no pon intended) u floor me

MsPuddin said...

Dying @ your story. Farting is natural, let it out!!

Don’t trip I’m cute and I fart all the time. I get the BGs all the time. My most embarrassing moment includes a trumpet fart. I was traumatized, but I am getting over it.

Don said...

You know your fart stinks when even you are offended by it. That bacon made his way good into your system I see. LOL. Funny story. I can't really say that I have a fart joke. I have been in cars with people who let loose and didn't give a ish, like that female officer. lol.

Infamous said...

So I've been gone for a while but what a great way to come back...Hilarious

fuzzy said...

Lol at ya but being a stink magnet!!!

I had a siimilar story yesterday. I had one of those farts that had to come out. I was in class and I hate farting in public. So i held it. It got worse and worse! I started to sweat and I had 2 more periods (hour and a half) before I got a break from the nosy kids. OMG!!! I buckled over and held my stomach and had to breathe. Panting and panting, my break came and I made a mad dash to the bathroom. I was letting small doses out on the way because I started to cramp up with pain! I had to pull trou down to let this long breeze of air out. I didn't want the smell sticking in my pants!

That was the best breaking of wind and I felt brand new Afterwards! :-)

dejanae said...

smh@this post
fart stories.hmmmmm

cathouse teri said...

I have not had a fart-in-front-of-someone incident.

However, I knew a two year old whose mother took him into our bathroom to go potty. Mommies sometimes leave the door open for these events, so the conversation between them was quite audible to all around. She had pulled down his pants, and as he climbed onto the toilet, he farted. He said astonishingly to his mother, "Mommy! My hole make a noise??"

(Your fart story was extremely funny. But these cute little ones are precious.)

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Promiscuous X said...

OMG im in tears rite now literally lol oh shit.

Whoop there it is OMG LMMFAO....

I'm laughn so hard at my desk rite now my co workers askn am I okay.

It aint nothing like walking into a fart an gagging for hours...the horror LMAO

One Mans Opinion you are hilarious

One Man’s Opinion said...

Too much information, Twin. Too much information.

Trumpet fart? Yeah, those are always cute. LOL. Is that why they call you puddin'? Just kidding, of course.

Don, if you had been in the car with this female officer, trust me when I say you would have given a ish. Plus, I always feel as if I am digesting that crap. LOL

"My hole make a noise". How cute is that? LOL. I'm stealing that bad boy.

Thank you, pro. Your comment has me grinning from ear to ear.

Eb the Celeb said...

I dont fart!

Anonymous said...

Its official...I am gonng hafta make you a daily read. This was too funny--its not too often that I am thrown into fits of untrollable laughter. You are one funny brotha.

~Kena

Harold said...

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Anonymous said...

>Lesbian friend comes over one day
>Always hold farts in around her for 10-16 hours
>Be holding one all day
>Start wrestling in living room floor
>She tries to get up
>Pull her back down
>Her butt lands on my belly, right on my abdomen
>Loud ass fart, I am the human whoopey cushion
>She can't stop laughing, I can't stop blushing
>she jumps across the room and lands butt first on my kitten that I'd just gotten the day before on the couch
>it won't stop meowing in pain but we can't stop laughing at the poor little thing, she damn near killed it
>pain from laughter, laughs turn into grunts of pain from laughing for like 20 solid minutes at the damn cat

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Banjo said...

I was at walmart last week and this cracker ass mofo farted on me twice, he even videod it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9fKdZiUneU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Is it some new thing to fart on a person?