Monday, September 15, 2008

I Get Mad

Okay, I know I have been gone for awhile, but my world as been on a continuously, sucky path. This is the beginning of day three with me not allowing myself to lose my temper. As it turns out, people have been making me mad, a lot, lately. I’m talking, Yelling, mad. It is a very bad look on me and I’ve decided to over come it. What I am learning is that when I allow other people to make me lose my temper, I give them power over me, and that crap ain’t cool.

Let me give you a little back ground on my temper and when and why I decided that I would not hold in my anger. When I was in my twenties. Around twenty-three or four, I had a job as a Department Assistant at one of our Community Colleges. I worked the evening shift, and was the second in command when the Assistant Register was not at work (and her ass was hardly ever at work). We were having a concurrent registration going on, this particular work week. Just for those of you, who do not know, concurrent registration is when we allowed high school students to register for some college level courses. A wonderful program, I might add.

Well, on this one particular day, there was this Asian man, who was attempting to get his daughter registered for these concurrent classes. Well, they did not have all of the paper work needed to be allowed to register and I had to deny her application. Now, this would not have been that big of a deal, except for the fact that this was the last day of registration.

Well this bastard would not listen to reason, even when I showed him in the catalog why I had to deny his daughter enrollment. I promise you that I went back in forth with this guy for almost an hour, and he would not listen to reason. Plus, he refused to believe that I, a young, black man, had the final say in whether or not his daughter was going to get into college. Needless to say, he was pissing me off, but I was determined to maintain my professionalism. I let him know that I was finished with the conversation and went back to my desk (which, just so happened to be right there near the front counter).

Don’t you know that this bastard continued to badger me, from across the counter. I was hot, but determined not to lose my temper. So, in an attempt to hold back maintain my composure, I decided to practice something that’s I’d head about and seen on television. I decided to count to ten and take a series of calming, deep breaths. Well, as it turned out, I did that shit wrong and I began to hyperventilate. It was a very scary moment and I literally passed out and an ambulance out to the college (This is the moment of our friendship that my buddy Lou likes to tell people about the most.)

After I was revived, I made it up in my mind that I would never hold back my temper again. I decided that it was unhealty for me. So, if someone pushed my buttons to the point that I needed to unleash on them, I would do just that. And I must say, that as a police officer, my verbal anger has served me well. Just the intensity of it makes the public at large think my ass is crazy, and I believe it prevents me from having to lay hands on people, which is a good thing. I ain’t trying to fight nobody, if I can help it.

Anyway, over the past couple of weeks I have decided to rethink my ideas of not holding back my anger. I still believe that it’s okay to get mad, but I should be at a point in my life where I shouldn’t have to get to the degree of anger that I allow myself to yell. The reality is that as a Sergeant, I have a lot of power and that I shouldn’t let my troops make me so mad, to the point that it becomes a shouting match. As soon as I am shooting at them it means that I have lost control and I feel it puts us on an equal playing field. I can not let this happen, ever again.

As far as the public at large is concerned, I am not so sure how my holding back my temper will work. The reality is, that most of the time the show of anger on the street is just an act to gain control over a situation. Let’s face it, my normal speaking voice is not very intimidating at all and neither am I. So, when I have a crowd of twenty to fifty people and I am the first one out, it serves me well to be loud and boisterous. Believe me when I say that I have taken control over a many potentially violent situations by using my words only. It has served me well, on the Department, for ten years now. So, I am afraid that stifling that part of me, on the streets, might just get me seriously hurt. I guess only time will tell. Besides, I know that it is there, if I should need it.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.


cathouse teri said...

Good job! There are so many things we can get mad at.

I remember a story about a little girl who was always bullying her little brother. She kept getting in trouble over and over and over for it. Finally, her mother got her to agree to work on her anger. She said, "Mommy, I hate getting mad. It makes me feel all yucky inside. I'm going to spend the whole day not getting mad at my brother." Mommy was very happy to hear this. As mommy was leaving the room, the little girl added, "As long as he doesn't provoke me!"

RealHustla said...

This is an excellent goal you have. When you find a mate one day, you're gonna want to have this type of stuff under control. I remember getting mad to the point of destroying things once. It was just too much, I had to let it out. But, when I realized that my stuff, and not the person's who I was mad at, was destroyed, I refused to ever again let someone have that type of power over me. This declaration has served me well. Let them be the ones to loose control.

The Dreamy One said...

ohhh how i so feel you on this, i used to have a horrible temper and just used to click.

but i learned as i have gotten older that i cant handle all of my issues that way.

us LEO's have horrible tempers,lol i have learned to control mines though, she rarely ever comes out because people like to see me get mad and act a damn fool so I dont let them get the best of me like that anymore!!

im happy for you, its takes a big person to admit something like that.

(((big hugs))))

BronzeBuckaroo said...

Choose your moments to act out in vociferous anger. You have one way to behave with those officers under you and another way to behave when in public. A loud, take no prisoner attitude for a police officer can be a good thing when dealing with an unruly public. You are going to have those moments when it will be best to voice you anger, so do it. To keep it in all the time is not healthy.

The Black Russian said...

this is a great post... its good to vent your anger and not bottle it up...there are constructive ways of doing it...and ur doing it....great goal u are achieving...

Super Dave Van Buren said...

That video was great. I hate getting into shouting matches with people,like you said it's like you lose control. It's all about balance.

Curious said...

As a member of the public, let me say that I would have far more respect for someone in or out of uniform that could speak to me in a knowledgeable and authoritative manner than someone who is loud and beligerant just because they have the power and ability to do so. And I'm not saying that you are wrong for doing what you do, but I'm just giving my 2 cents.

yet another black guy said...

sometimes anger is just so uncontrollable it's kinda scary, but the fact that you're assessing your behavior speaks highly of you and your outcome.

Anonymous said...

Having a little one especially a strong-minded aggressive little boy can really push one to the edge sometimes, but raising him has really taught me how to handle situations cause their little eyes and ears watch/hear everything.

rebecca said...

Where Go The Boats?


Dark brown is the river,

Golden is the sand.

It floats along forever,

With trees on either hand.

Green leaves a-floating,

Castles of the foam,

Boats of mine a-floating

Where will all come home?

On goes the river

And out past the mill,

Away down the valley,

Away down the hill.

Away down the river,

A hundred miles or more,

Other little children

Shall bring my boats ashore.

-----by aoc powerlevewling

Augustus said...

Of course, the writer is completely fair.
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