Monday, May 12, 2008

Road Rage

I have road rage issues. Before I go any further let me just clarify and say that officially the law considers Road Rage as being when a driver gets so upset with another driver that it leads to violent behavior. Now my road rage isn’t to this extreme, by any means, however, the issues still exist. I just hate stupid ass people who don’t know how to drive their fucking cars! I mean, seriously, how hard is it to drive your fucking car? You got a freaking license; now show me that you deserve the damn thing!

1. For instance: when the light turns green, that shit means go, so GO already. Sure, look both ways because people are stupid, but complete a freaking open air sketch of the damn intersection.
2. Don’t get put on your blinker to get in front of me and then go slow. What the fuck? I can’t stand when I have a nice little speed working and some idiot moves over into my lane and slows the fuck down. You could have stayed in your own fucking lane to go slow. Move the fuck out of my way!
3. Don’t ride all up on my ass! We are not dating and you don’t know me like that. Now, if I was one of those slow ass drivers then maybe I could understand, but since I know I am already going pretty fast to begin with than yo ass either needs to slow down or go the fuck around. If you are close enough that I can see the boogers in your nose you might want to back the fuck off!
4. How long does it take to make a fucking right hand turn? Turn already, damn it. It ain’t that hard. And if I am in the other lane, why the fuck do you have to move into my lane to maneuver your car in order to make that turn. That shit is crazy to me.
5. Bus drivers and eighteen wheelers, if you can’t keep that bitch in a single lane of traffic than turn in your CDL, cause you don’t know what the fuck you are doing. I know that bitch is big that you are driving, but it is your duty to keep that motherfucker in your own lane of traffic. Don’t veer over into mine, you stupid bastard.
6. We all do know that you can make a fucking right hand turn on red, right? As long as it is safe to do so. That being said, don’t hold my ass up because your dumb ass is too afraid to turn the fucking corner. Nothing pisses me off more than a person who waits for the light to turn fucking green before that make that fucking right hand turn. Turn the fucking corner already. Damn, I got places to go.
7. Get off the fucking phone. Seriously, if you can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, what the hell makes you think you can operate a motor vehicle and hold a conversation on the phone? Don’t get me wrong, some people can do it, but the majority of you bastards can’t, so stop it all ready. Damn, that shit bugs the fuck out of me.
8. Why is you fat ass eating a hamburger, fries and drinking a large shake, while trying to drive? Is it that serious? You couldn’t eat the shit there are wait till you got to your destination. Are you really that hungry? Maybe you should keep a few crackers in your car instead. Okay, I don’t have a problem with the shake, but why do you have a burger in one hand, while stuffing fries in your mouth with the other. That shit ain’t safe.
9. Can the blow job wait until you make it home? Oh the things you see when you sit high above other cars. Why is any one sucking anybody else’s dick while they are driving? Is it Christmas? Did he save your life? This shit can’t wait until you get home and if it can’t, can you at least find a place to park? Damn!
10. Slow ass drivers! What the fuck is this, a school zone. Why in the fuck can you not move your ass out the way? The speed limit says 35, can I at least get you to go that fast. Just the speed limit, that is all I am asking. Why are you driving like your ass is constipated? Move out the fucking way!
11. Don’t even get me started on funeral procession. I know, I know. Ain’t that horrible? But damn, how many people did you touch before you died and do all of their asses have to go to the damn grave site? And if the answer is yes than they at least car pool, damn.

See, this is why I rarely leave the fucking house. Other people’s driving skills drive me nuts. I cuss more in my car than I do on this fucking blog. My family has accused me of driving crazy. They even said I was the reason that my little sister almost had my nephew early. Whatever, we were late for a graduation, damn it. It was a false alarm anyway.
Besides, I am a damn safe driver. It is all the other idiots out there, that I have to drive for (you know what I mean) that makes it seem otherwise. Maneuvering the streets these days is like a game of football. I find myself playing both offense and defense. I wonder if they cuss as much in football.

True story:
Before my nephew was a good one year old and was learning to talk, he was riding in the back seat of my car. I loved having him in the car with me because you could hear him muttering out words and every now and again he would use real ones and I was always amazed. My little man was learning to talk and he isn’t even one yet. He still couldn’t say my name, but that’s all good, he was with me the least amount of time.
Well, as I am driving him home I hear him behind me saying; “C’mon truck. C’mon car.” I mean, just randomly saying it as we were driving. If you could have been in the car with me you would have thought it was the cutest thing you had ever heard. So, I am smiling as I listen to my little nephew. I can’t wait to get him home so I can ask my sister what kind of shows he is watching where he picked this up. Have they being watching the races or something?
We get to a stop light, and I am sitting behind this lady driving a SUV. The light turns green and she just sits there. There are no cars coming in the opposite direction so why are we not going?
Uncle One Man: “C’MON CAR!”


What the hell? I am not spending anywhere near enough time around this little boy for him to be mimicking me. Thank goodness I don’t cuss around my family, and never around little kids.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.

33 comments:

John Barleycorn said...

I was having a really bad day until I read this. Thanks!

Thoughts of a Southern gal said...

You already know I have road rage. Did you know LEOS are considered very good drivers? Give it up for us!

3. My favorite bumper sticker I saw on the back of a car:"If you are not a hemmoid then get off my ass". Riding on my ass is an accident waiting to happen. Before I had my son, I would push on my brakes letting them know you need to give me 50 feet.

4. Ugh...hate that. You don't have to make a complete stop to make a right turn. I don't understand maneuvering the car either to make a turn. Mostly the ones in the big SUVs do this. It really annoys me.

6. I think this is the worse for me. It burns me up to sit behind some idiot who refuses to make a right turn on red when there is no traffic coming. And it seems like it always happens when I'm in a rush.

10. I just cussed someone out at lunch for driving 50 mph on the freeway in the middle lane. You want to drive that slow you need to stick with the back roads.

11. I respect the funeral procession. But I do hate to see one coming. LOL

And I have no problem blowing my horn at stupid drivers.

I had to slow down with my cussing in the car because my 3 yr old picks up on it too. I can be driving and a car will zoom by us and he will say "damnnnn".

Homer is My Co-pilot said...

LOL.. let the hate flow.... I think driving is a problem all over the country. And best believe your nephew was listening and mimicking everything around him, it doesn't matter how much time you spent with him. he must have thought it was fun.

One Man’s Opinion said...

I love my fellow Leos, John and Southern Gal. John, I'm glad I improved your day, sir. Southern Gal, it does not surprise me that Leos are considered very good drivers, we are pretty good at most things. That said, I wonder if we all have the same road rage issues. Oh, and I respect the funeral line, but have you ever seen one of those long ass ones, when you have some place to go? I mean, damn. Seriously.
Your son and my nephew need to hang out.

Curious said...

Uh oh, time to show my bigotry. Why is it that I can tell there is asian on the road without actually looking inside the car and I know I need to stay clear of him if I want to make it through the day? And for the rest of the population, why do women turn on the turn signal when they are 3 blocks away from where they are actually turning?

JayBee said...

dang...we get pissed about the same stuff while driving. eerie. the only thing i haven't witnessed is the bj. you love that nephew of yours. when he gets older i'ma let him know that you're the sure fire way to have a car at age 16.

One Man’s Opinion said...

I am the sure fire way for him to have a car at the age of sixteen, if he doesn't flip the switch and become a little ass like the rest of my neices and nephews.

Desy said...

daaaaang... i think your anger might scare me a bit if i were in the passenger seat... or i would COMPLETELY laugh my ass off...

mean people amuse me... every now and then i've been on that list... especially with the eating... cause i'm goin from work to class and i only have 30 min in between the two... but i'm usually driving 70 on the highway gettin my ass there... so i'm not a driver that slows at while eating

Hadassah said...

LOLOLOL!, driving with my boyfriend I hear and see everything its so funny watching him cuss

UBERMOUTH said...

'Don’t ride all up on my ass! We are not dating and you don’t know me like that. ' Golden line in an amazing post! You blew your non swearing policy , but you are now the Rant King!

I am your Queen. :)

But I shall wear the trousers.

DreamCop08 said...

LEO POWER IN THE ROOM!!! GO TEAM LEO

Yes lord do i have some road rage and this lady pulled out in front of me a couple of weeks ago and I almost hit her azz. I blow the horn and the bytch looks in the rear view mirror and flips me off. Well that made me more upset that her pulling out in front of me.

I tell you if it wasnt for them damn camera's I would be in jail somewhere. My temper is such a mess!!!

Okay am I the only one who likes to drive fast. My car has been deemed the "RED BULLET". I dont even know what it means to drive slow. So am I the only one who has this issue???

One Man’s Opinion said...

LOL. Uber, how you gonna be my queen and still wanna wear the trousers? You know that shyt ain't right!

Well you know that I have that issue, DreamCop. It might be a Leo thing. We have to wait to hear from John and Southern gal first.

fuzzy said...

I enjoyed this post on so many levels!!! I did i did! I can empathise everything that you were talking about!!! EVERYTHING!

-eve- said...

Heheheh! "C'mon, car" is really cute! :-)

I am a really bad driver, and can't improve without a lot more training, so wouldn't want to be driving anywhere near you! You'd be shouting with road rage...lol ;-)

Darius T. Williams said...

Ha...you're hilarious. Yea, you really have some serious road rage.

YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe said...

I'm already a leadfoot, so to have someone riding my ass really pisses me off. I've had half a mind to slow down, then speed up when the light's yellow, just so they can get caught by the red.

The light turns green, and the driver ahead of me picks NOW to start digging thru her purse! Ugh!

I hate that "box you in" crap too. Gotta be in the building by 630...it's 625...and everyone deems it necessary to drive 38 in a 45.

Cellphones. *sigh* God Almighty! If you don't have an earpiece or a bluetooth, pull over! Obviously the road is the least of you concerns. Even now, if I don't answer my phone when I'm driving, my kids already know "Momma must not have her earpiece in".

Brittany said...

This post is on point. I was just thinking the same thing. And I hate old drivers. Get off the damn road.

cathouse teri said...

Nah... I'm gonna go ahead and keep giving blow jobs from the passenger seat. ;)

Tha BossMack TopSoil said...

Nice one folks.

Ieisha said...

Disclaimer: I have not read your blog yet but felt the need to reply to your post on my blog.

You are too crazy! Competition? Oh, it's on now! Lol...and you are sadly mistaken but my Buddha is the BESTEST!!!!!!!

I'll have to post a pic soon.

Ieisha said...

Now that I've read your blog....baby, we gonna have to get your prescription filled so you can woo-sah, lol.

But I do feel ya on a few of those. You must get it honestly being one of the fellas in blue. Cuz ya'll don't obey none of the rules of the road!

Make sure you're buckled up while you're out there.

One Man’s Opinion said...

Too much information, Teri, but you go head and do you. lol

Yeah, b, old people either need to get off the road or drive a speed limit that coincides with their age.

Oh, oh, YOUTOLD, I hate it when people wait to get to a light to look for crap! What the hell? If you don't have it now then wait until you get to your distination to find it.
And I forgot about people boxing you in. They both go just slow enough that you can't pass either. That annoys me.

That Girl Tam said...

LMAO!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA...this is a FANTASTIC post! I couldn't have said it ANY better...

Just last week I had a "road rage" moment. I was heading to the gas station to fill up on some *a'hem* $3.85 gas. As I approach the driveway, I start veering closer to the curb - well the bitch in front of me comes from the right lane (which is the lane I was merging out of towards the curb) and STOPS dead blockin the driveway. She didn't signal and I assumed she was getting ready to turn the corner - NOT into the driveway.

I braked hard and missed her stupid ass by INCHES. She rolls her window down and I see arms wailing around (and I'm sure she's talkin shit). Well clearly this bitch ain't knowin...EARLY IN THE MORNING + PREGNANT TAM + BAD CASE OF HORMONES + HER STUPID ASS DRIVING = TAM ACTIN UP IN THE GAS STATION.

Instead of going straight into the EMPTY lane in front of us, she pulls around into the next lane to get away from me...I go to pay @ the ATM thingy and this bitch starts talkin shit. I kindly told her stupid ass that if she didn't STFU that I would have to walk over and slap the shit outta her.

::smirk::

I think I scared her...I went inside to buy a pack of gum and when I came out, she was gone. She prolly put like $5 in her tank and split. HAHAHA...stupid ass...I almost wish I could see her again. Is that bad?

One Man’s Opinion said...

That is very bad, Tam. I don't go to that extreme, LOL. Probably because I carry a gun at all time. My theory is that since you never know who has a gun, especially here in Texas, it is best to keep your road rage inside of your car. LOL. I also I would never leave my car out of eyesight near someone who i'd just had a run in with. Why? Beause I don't want them to do anything to my damn car.

Son of a Bishop said...

One Man, you are out of control... LOL!

I'm another guilty Leo with road rage. In my truck is the only time when one of those bad words will slip out and I don't have a problem laying on my horn(blowing my horn at some crazy driving nut!).
I'm working on becoming a better person in that area because there are a bunch of gun carrying road rage fools here in the ATL. I don't want to be a victim on the 11 oclock news. :)

NSearchOfMe said...

Let me say hi first. Ok, second I LOL @ #11.

Ann(ie) said...

You.crack.me.up. AND ditto!!!! by the way. If you're ever in Seattle we must meet for cocktails!!!!

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

not in the $ it will give u road rage the way its falling

IVENTBYBLOGGING said...

I AM WARMING UP MY BLESSING OIL RIGHT NOW!!! JESUS..I NEED U NOW..I NEED U RIGHT NOW...THIS IS A 911 EMRGNCY!

Blah Blah Blah said...

LOL...hilarious. Kids pick up on everything!

Madam Z said...

This is absolutely the most entertaining post I have read in a long time, maybe ever! I can just hear you cussin' out those "stupid ass people." I just hope you're never driving behind me, because I wouldn't want such a great guy as yourself to be mad at me. :)

I am a verrrrry cautious driver. I do not exceed the speed limit. I do not floor the accelerator the second the light turns green. I never tailgate. If it's rainy or icy, I go slower than the speed limit. All of these habits have made various other drivers very angry with me. And you know what? I don't give a flying fuck! If they honk or yell, I flip them off (then lock my door real quick).

And boy oh boy, how I wish we could outlaw cell phone use while driving! As a frequent pedestrian, I have been withing inches of being run over by various idiots gabbing away on their phones while making a turn into the crosswalk. I scream obscenities at them, but they can't hear me, because of the goddamn phone.

Oops, I better stop. I almost spilled my burger, fries and shake.

tweetybird said...

i am laughing my ass off!!

every single point you made is the way i think abt these stupid drivers!

My motto is "Drive or go home!"

RealHustla said...

Yes, I'm really that hungry. I'm the one with the burrito. Sorry.