Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Constipated Penis

Am I the only person in the world not obsessed with cell phones? Don’t get me wrong, I think the cell phone is an ingenious invention and I also love that it has been made assessable to the common man. Still, the obsession people have with their cell phones is unbelievable to me. As a matter of fact, I got the idea for this post when I read the blog of the brother with the fetish for Blackberry’s. Do you know that yesterday I saw this kid, he could not have been any older than six, talking on a cell phone while he attempted to dribble a basketball. That’s just wrong.

I got my very first cell phone back when I first got off training. This was before the department had phones for us to use. I thought it was important for me to have a phone so I’d be able to contact the citizens on calls. ( Otherwise you would have to get to dispatcher to get the service desk to call the complaint back. It was horrible inefficient and took a hell of a long time to boot.) It was then that I realized that I wasn’t meant to have a cell phone. I was always losing the damn thing in my bag and forgetting to charge it up. Still, I was under contract so I had to keep it. Of course, once the contract was up didn’t renew; I found it to be an unnecessary expense. I didn’t get another cell phone again until many years later, June of last year, when I was promoted to Sergeant. This time I got it so that my troops would be able to contact me if need be.

I knew that I would be using it mainly for work so I need the simplest plan I could get, for as little cost as I could find. I settled on something called MetroPCS. MetroPCS is a local phone service that offers you unlimited minutes, no contract. I love that. Of course that first month those bastards, my troops, were calling me out the ass. It took a bit of getting use to, the damn thing constantly ringing (or whatever you call the sound cell phones make these days) and I contemplating getting rid of the damn thing just because of the annoyance factor; but I stuck it out.

I started off with the basic program. Basic equated to limited local calls and nothing else. Nothing else meant no caller ID, no call waiting and that I could receive text messages, but if you thought you were gonna get a text back…think again. All for a lovely monthly bill of $38.89. I was happy. Then, back in April the cheap ass phone fucked up and I had to do a phone upgrade. I figured, what the hell…I can always write it off as a business expense. I also upgraded to caller ID, unlimited texting, call waiting and all the other shit. Still a steal at a mere $48.98 a month.
I decided to get the caller ID because when I was at work every troop on deep night somehow managed to get my phone number. What the hell is up with that? Is there some kind of cell phone rule that says you can just randomly give out cell phone numbers to other people without the owner’s consent? Seriously. I promise you, I only gave out that my cell phone number to about seven or eight people at work, at the most, and now since I have gotten the caller id function, I have captured seventy additional numbers of people who call me with questions. People I know damn well I didn’t give my number to. (That’s right, I use that caller ID function like a damn spider’s web.) I guess I should feel flattered that various troops feel so comfortable calling me for help, but can I get someone to ask me before they just give out my digits?

So, here is the deal with my cell phone, now that I’m all comfortable with it and shit. I fear that I am becoming one of those people. You know the ones that I am talking about. Those that talk on the phone while they drive. Or blathering away while they shop or whatever. I hate those people. I mean, is it that serious that you can’t wait until you get home or to the office or wherever? That being said, I now find myself driving in my car and get the urge to reach out and touch someone. What makes this so sad is the fact that I’m not much of a telephone conversationist. I can stay and the house all day and never feel the urge to make a phone call but let me get out on the road and that phone is burning up my thighs like a lethal case of jock itch. And don’t even get me started on text messaging. I am addicted to that shyt. The first people that I text didn’t even believe it was me since I was the main one bitching about how useless text messaging was. Now I’m pretty sure I annoy the hell out of people with my texting. And can I just say that it is way more unsafe to text on your cell phone and drive than it is to talk on your cell phone and drive. And that is why I am gonna cut that shit out.

I realized that I was becoming one of those people when I was talking to my old partner while checking out at a department store. I was so busy carrying on the conversation I just barely nodded a thank you as I took my items and left. I think that shyt is extremely rude, but in my defense I did mutter an apology as I was leaving. It is this kind of disconnect from society that is going to be our down fall (that and taking “In God We Trust” of off money. LOL), and look at me playing a part in it.

I will say that I am still not as bad as most. For instance, if I walk out the house without my cell phone I don’t go into a teesy. I actually left it at home twice today, purposely. I know some people that would rather leave their kids home alone than their cell phones and that is not an exaggeration. I use to work with this one chick who would be on the phone constantly. You would think the thing was glued to her ear. One time we were working together and she had three phones; Her’s, her little brother’s and the city one. She had all three of those bad boys working at once, while she drove the squad car. You think I’m kidding, but I kid you not. It was amazing to see. I will say it was a little annoying as well. I mean she had asked me to ride with her and then she spends the majority of the time on the damn phone. What up with that?
However, she was still not as bad as the young lady I worked with when I was new to the department. Her ass would be on the phone as we were making an arrest. She would be talking and both me and the prisoner thought she was talking to us, but no, her ass was carrying on a conversation over her headset. Who the hell are you talking to at three o’clock in the morning? That bitch use to call me in the middle of the night, on my days off, to hold a conversation. I’m sleep damn it. If we ain’t fucking! Don’t call me!

Anyway, as you can see this posting had nothing to do with a constipated penis, but I bet it got your attention.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.


DreamCop08 said...

you are so retarded, i aint gonna lie you had me going for a little while.

now me personally i dont like to talk on the phone unless i am really digging you. thats the only time you can get me to be on the phone.

my bff azz is addicted to the phone. it is a bit much cause i am like baby who in the hell are you talking to or calling. is it that serious???lol

but one thing though is i cant be without it just in case someone does decide to call, aint that some shyt

That Girl Tam said...

I am one of those people.

My husband and I upgraded to the blackberry curve about a month or so ago...and it's gotten MUCH worse. I don't talk as much, but I'm sure my texting has gone way over my limit for the last two billing cycles.

I go thru phases...sometimes I wanna talk all the time...and other times I don't feel like being bothered. If my phone rings I get annoyed and usually don't answer it...that only prompts people to call my house or send me a text.

Ms Smack said...

I delayed getting a mobile phone for as long as possible. I only use it to contact my daughter, and be contactable by the people she's linked with (school, her dad, etc)

Aside from that, I rarely use it.

Anonymous said...

First of all, don't ever joke about "constipated penises" among other men! (LOL)

I think cell phones and messaging have led to a whole generation's inability to grasp the concept of "privacy." And forget people who use phones in cars. One behavior that might have me sitting in your jail one day, is men who walk into restrooms (and then STALLS) while talking on the damn things. Imagine being the person on the other end of THAT conversation! Nasty BASTARDS!

By the way, isn't it standard procedure to make people who are stopped by peace officers to turn off ALL communications (car radio, phone, etc.)? If you're being apprehended or arrested, since when does the Miranda Rule cover third party communication (outside of the cop reading the rights and the apprehended) on a Nokia?

Homer is My Co-pilot said...

I HATE talking on the phone (cell, house, work it don't matter) but I'm soo addicted to text messaging. If I could survive on IM and text messaging I would be good.

Anonymous said...

I am one of those people especially since I got my Blackberry in February. So don't get a BB, you will mos def be one of those people.

I can text, send email all day long. I text so much I can do it with my eyes close. If I leave my phone at home, I'm going back to get it no matter what.

Yeah you had me going with the title. LOL

Ms Sula said...


I am not a phone person either... It bores the hell out of me. My calling-people-back time is while I'm driving. I figure I may as well make use of this (friggin' useless) hour spent in Traffic and multitask...

I guess it's the Texas effect. We spend so much bloody time in our cars, we need to be doing something with that time.

And oh, I love texting. The impersonality, conciseness of it all.. Lol!

Brittany said...

I am obsessed with my cell phone. I feel naked without it. I am one of those people,

VertigoVirgo said...

Umm, okay this is why I always say that I’m going to get rid of my cell phone, I don’t like being so accessible. People are waaay too accessible these days! If you can’t reach me at home, church, work or my parent’s house…then you don’t need to reach me. America acts like they never lived without cell phones before! I also hate seeing people on the phone in places where they shouldn’t. Eating at restaurants, in the store etc. If I am on the phone and I get in line, I tell the person I am on the phone with I will call them back, and then give the clerk my full attention, it is extremely rude to do otherwise, the same when ordering food at the drive through. My friend M is one of those “Always on the phone people” it is BEYOND annoying it’s rude…where ever she is, she’s on the damn cell phone, its like whoever is in the room with her is nowhere near as important as who is on the other end of the phone! I H.A.T.E IT! One of my biggest pet peev’s is shopping and hearing other people on the phone…my shopping experience is just that…an experience, and I don’t want you messing up my experience with your stupid cell phone conversation, I don’t want to know what you and Billy did last night while I’m contemplating the red shoe or the purple shoe…I NEED TO THINK!!! When I’m on the phone and about to go shopping all of my friends know to either get off the phone with me, or get hung up on, I need to concentrate! I was once working in a store and heard a woman on her phone so loud…talking to her son who had just been in a car accident and was bleeding from the head. His friend was alright and the ambulance was on the way, and he had not yet called his father…DID I NEED TO KNOW ALL OF THAT!!! AND…WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL SHOPPING FOR PLACEMATS WHEN YOUR SON IS TELLING YOU HE IS ON THE FU**KIN’ HIGHWAY BLEEDING FROM THE HEAD!!!!! I don’t care if you are in Kentucky and your son is on a highway in West Jablip, get your ass out of the store, in the car and home lookin’ for the fastest thing smokin’ to West Jablip!!! *sigh*

Sorry 


One Man’s Opinion said...

Okay, Homer and Ms. Sula. I think we should get together and come up with a text phone only. I would buy it.

Damn, VV, you are more annoyed with cell phone use then me. Will you marry me? LOL

Anonymous said...

Aight One Man...I think I enjoy your posts/personality b/c we have lots of opposites. And you know what they But on the real, I dig texting b/c it is WAY more efficient than talking. I get stuck on a call with folks who only had one question initially and then 2 hours later, I'm still there.

I used to be a huge phone person b/c my best peeps lived far away from me. Talkin' across state lines so that was our way to keep in touch. Now, I'm a textin', emailing, and instant messagin' kinda sista. Keep it to a 160 characters or less and we are business!

It's just way more efficient that way and my time is precious.

And $50 for a cell phone bill??? I won't even tell you how much mine is. Let's just say, double yours.

VertigoVirgo said...

HA! Not with those ashy ankles, no. LOL BUT, other than that I would put the proposal up for heavy contimplation, I'm not sure I could handle being with a police officer...I've heard plenty baaad things about you all. ;) LOL

Big O said... you may know, im real dependent on my phone. Never thought i would be, but its addicting. I remember leaving my phone at home once, and lost my mind!! I text all too from it and oh yeah....i make calls. lol.

But me and my mom text back and forth if anything, thats a big plus .


Rodney said...

LOL... you already know my thoughts on the cell phone. What exactly is the cure for the constipated penis?

One Man’s Opinion said...

Police Officers are hoes, VV. That I will never even debate about. They hoe out themselves like pigs in a slop house, whatever that means. But I'd grease up the legs for you, baby. LOL. Sexual Harrassment on a blog. That has to be a first.

"O", texting your mom.....priceless.

Rodney, I only know one cure for the constipated penis......

guerreiranigeriana said...

yep, the title did make me stop and read...was thinking, 'what the hell?..a constipated penis?'...haha...and i am soooo one of those phone people...i have been known to eat, talk on the phone and navigate a manual transmission in la traffic...but cursed cell phones and is really bad...and with all this bluetooth and tracking shit, i refuse to upgrade from the current blackberry i have...i hope;)...

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