Road Rage

I have road rage issues. Before I go any further let me just clarify and say that officially the law considers Road Rage as being when a driver gets so upset with another driver that it leads to violent behavior. Now my road rage isn’t to this extreme, by any means, however, the issues still exist. I just hate stupid ass people who don’t know how to drive their fucking cars! I mean, seriously, how hard is it to drive your fucking car? You got a freaking license; now show me that you deserve the damn thing!

1. For instance: when the light turns green, that shit means go, so GO already. Sure, look both ways because people are stupid, but complete a freaking open air sketch of the damn intersection.
2. Don’t get put on your blinker to get in front of me and then go slow. What the fuck? I can’t stand when I have a nice little speed working and some idiot moves over into my lane and slows the fuck down. You could have stayed in your own fucking lane to go slow. Move the fuck out of my way!
3. Don’t ride all up on my ass! We are not dating and you don’t know me like that. Now, if I was one of those slow ass drivers then maybe I could understand, but since I know I am already going pretty fast to begin with than yo ass either needs to slow down or go the fuck around. If you are close enough that I can see the boogers in your nose you might want to back the fuck off!
4. How long does it take to make a fucking right hand turn? Turn already, damn it. It ain’t that hard. And if I am in the other lane, why the fuck do you have to move into my lane to maneuver your car in order to make that turn. That shit is crazy to me.
5. Bus drivers and eighteen wheelers, if you can’t keep that bitch in a single lane of traffic than turn in your CDL, cause you don’t know what the fuck you are doing. I know that bitch is big that you are driving, but it is your duty to keep that motherfucker in your own lane of traffic. Don’t veer over into mine, you stupid bastard.
6. We all do know that you can make a fucking right hand turn on red, right? As long as it is safe to do so. That being said, don’t hold my ass up because your dumb ass is too afraid to turn the fucking corner. Nothing pisses me off more than a person who waits for the light to turn fucking green before that make that fucking right hand turn. Turn the fucking corner already. Damn, I got places to go.
7. Get off the fucking phone. Seriously, if you can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, what the hell makes you think you can operate a motor vehicle and hold a conversation on the phone? Don’t get me wrong, some people can do it, but the majority of you bastards can’t, so stop it all ready. Damn, that shit bugs the fuck out of me.
8. Why is you fat ass eating a hamburger, fries and drinking a large shake, while trying to drive? Is it that serious? You couldn’t eat the shit there are wait till you got to your destination. Are you really that hungry? Maybe you should keep a few crackers in your car instead. Okay, I don’t have a problem with the shake, but why do you have a burger in one hand, while stuffing fries in your mouth with the other. That shit ain’t safe.
9. Can the blow job wait until you make it home? Oh the things you see when you sit high above other cars. Why is any one sucking anybody else’s dick while they are driving? Is it Christmas? Did he save your life? This shit can’t wait until you get home and if it can’t, can you at least find a place to park? Damn!
10. Slow ass drivers! What the fuck is this, a school zone. Why in the fuck can you not move your ass out the way? The speed limit says 35, can I at least get you to go that fast. Just the speed limit, that is all I am asking. Why are you driving like your ass is constipated? Move out the fucking way!
11. Don’t even get me started on funeral procession. I know, I know. Ain’t that horrible? But damn, how many people did you touch before you died and do all of their asses have to go to the damn grave site? And if the answer is yes than they at least car pool, damn.

See, this is why I rarely leave the fucking house. Other people’s driving skills drive me nuts. I cuss more in my car than I do on this fucking blog. My family has accused me of driving crazy. They even said I was the reason that my little sister almost had my nephew early. Whatever, we were late for a graduation, damn it. It was a false alarm anyway.
Besides, I am a damn safe driver. It is all the other idiots out there, that I have to drive for (you know what I mean) that makes it seem otherwise. Maneuvering the streets these days is like a game of football. I find myself playing both offense and defense. I wonder if they cuss as much in football.

True story:
Before my nephew was a good one year old and was learning to talk, he was riding in the back seat of my car. I loved having him in the car with me because you could hear him muttering out words and every now and again he would use real ones and I was always amazed. My little man was learning to talk and he isn’t even one yet. He still couldn’t say my name, but that’s all good, he was with me the least amount of time.
Well, as I am driving him home I hear him behind me saying; “C’mon truck. C’mon car.” I mean, just randomly saying it as we were driving. If you could have been in the car with me you would have thought it was the cutest thing you had ever heard. So, I am smiling as I listen to my little nephew. I can’t wait to get him home so I can ask my sister what kind of shows he is watching where he picked this up. Have they being watching the races or something?
We get to a stop light, and I am sitting behind this lady driving a SUV. The light turns green and she just sits there. There are no cars coming in the opposite direction so why are we not going?
Uncle One Man: “C’MON CAR!”

What the hell? I am not spending anywhere near enough time around this little boy for him to be mimicking me. Thank goodness I don’t cuss around my family, and never around little kids.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.