The Constipated Penis

Am I the only person in the world not obsessed with cell phones? Don’t get me wrong, I think the cell phone is an ingenious invention and I also love that it has been made assessable to the common man. Still, the obsession people have with their cell phones is unbelievable to me. As a matter of fact, I got the idea for this post when I read the blog of the brother with the fetish for Blackberry’s. Do you know that yesterday I saw this kid, he could not have been any older than six, talking on a cell phone while he attempted to dribble a basketball. That’s just wrong.

I got my very first cell phone back when I first got off training. This was before the department had phones for us to use. I thought it was important for me to have a phone so I’d be able to contact the citizens on calls. ( Otherwise you would have to get to dispatcher to get the service desk to call the complaint back. It was horrible inefficient and took a hell of a long time to boot.) It was then that I realized that I wasn’t meant to have a cell phone. I was always losing the damn thing in my bag and forgetting to charge it up. Still, I was under contract so I had to keep it. Of course, once the contract was up didn’t renew; I found it to be an unnecessary expense. I didn’t get another cell phone again until many years later, June of last year, when I was promoted to Sergeant. This time I got it so that my troops would be able to contact me if need be.

I knew that I would be using it mainly for work so I need the simplest plan I could get, for as little cost as I could find. I settled on something called MetroPCS. MetroPCS is a local phone service that offers you unlimited minutes, no contract. I love that. Of course that first month those bastards, my troops, were calling me out the ass. It took a bit of getting use to, the damn thing constantly ringing (or whatever you call the sound cell phones make these days) and I contemplating getting rid of the damn thing just because of the annoyance factor; but I stuck it out.

I started off with the basic program. Basic equated to limited local calls and nothing else. Nothing else meant no caller ID, no call waiting and that I could receive text messages, but if you thought you were gonna get a text back…think again. All for a lovely monthly bill of $38.89. I was happy. Then, back in April the cheap ass phone fucked up and I had to do a phone upgrade. I figured, what the hell…I can always write it off as a business expense. I also upgraded to caller ID, unlimited texting, call waiting and all the other shit. Still a steal at a mere $48.98 a month.
I decided to get the caller ID because when I was at work every troop on deep night somehow managed to get my phone number. What the hell is up with that? Is there some kind of cell phone rule that says you can just randomly give out cell phone numbers to other people without the owner’s consent? Seriously. I promise you, I only gave out that my cell phone number to about seven or eight people at work, at the most, and now since I have gotten the caller id function, I have captured seventy additional numbers of people who call me with questions. People I know damn well I didn’t give my number to. (That’s right, I use that caller ID function like a damn spider’s web.) I guess I should feel flattered that various troops feel so comfortable calling me for help, but can I get someone to ask me before they just give out my digits?

So, here is the deal with my cell phone, now that I’m all comfortable with it and shit. I fear that I am becoming one of those people. You know the ones that I am talking about. Those that talk on the phone while they drive. Or blathering away while they shop or whatever. I hate those people. I mean, is it that serious that you can’t wait until you get home or to the office or wherever? That being said, I now find myself driving in my car and get the urge to reach out and touch someone. What makes this so sad is the fact that I’m not much of a telephone conversationist. I can stay and the house all day and never feel the urge to make a phone call but let me get out on the road and that phone is burning up my thighs like a lethal case of jock itch. And don’t even get me started on text messaging. I am addicted to that shyt. The first people that I text didn’t even believe it was me since I was the main one bitching about how useless text messaging was. Now I’m pretty sure I annoy the hell out of people with my texting. And can I just say that it is way more unsafe to text on your cell phone and drive than it is to talk on your cell phone and drive. And that is why I am gonna cut that shit out.

I realized that I was becoming one of those people when I was talking to my old partner while checking out at a department store. I was so busy carrying on the conversation I just barely nodded a thank you as I took my items and left. I think that shyt is extremely rude, but in my defense I did mutter an apology as I was leaving. It is this kind of disconnect from society that is going to be our down fall (that and taking “In God We Trust” of off money. LOL), and look at me playing a part in it.

I will say that I am still not as bad as most. For instance, if I walk out the house without my cell phone I don’t go into a teesy. I actually left it at home twice today, purposely. I know some people that would rather leave their kids home alone than their cell phones and that is not an exaggeration. I use to work with this one chick who would be on the phone constantly. You would think the thing was glued to her ear. One time we were working together and she had three phones; Her’s, her little brother’s and the city one. She had all three of those bad boys working at once, while she drove the squad car. You think I’m kidding, but I kid you not. It was amazing to see. I will say it was a little annoying as well. I mean she had asked me to ride with her and then she spends the majority of the time on the damn phone. What up with that?
However, she was still not as bad as the young lady I worked with when I was new to the department. Her ass would be on the phone as we were making an arrest. She would be talking and both me and the prisoner thought she was talking to us, but no, her ass was carrying on a conversation over her headset. Who the hell are you talking to at three o’clock in the morning? That bitch use to call me in the middle of the night, on my days off, to hold a conversation. I’m sleep damn it. If we ain’t fucking! Don’t call me!

Anyway, as you can see this posting had nothing to do with a constipated penis, but I bet it got your attention.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.