The Constipated Penis

Am I the only person in the world not obsessed with cell phones? Don’t get me wrong, I think the cell phone is an ingenious invention and I also love that it has been made assessable to the common man. Still, the obsession people have with their cell phones is unbelievable to me. As a matter of fact, I got the idea for this post when I read the blog of the brother with the fetish for Blackberry’s. Do you know that yesterday I saw this kid, he could not have been any older than six, talking on a cell phone while he attempted to dribble a basketball. That’s just wrong.

I got my very first cell phone back when I first got off training. This was before the department had phones for us to use. I thought it was important for me to have a phone so I’d be able to contact the citizens on calls. ( Otherwise you would have to get to dispatcher to get the service desk to call the complaint back. It was horrible inefficient and took a hell of a long time to boot.) It was then that I realized that I wasn’t meant to have a cell phone. I was always losing the damn thing in my bag and forgetting to charge it up. Still, I was under contract so I had to keep it. Of course, once the contract was up didn’t renew; I found it to be an unnecessary expense. I didn’t get another cell phone again until many years later, June of last year, when I was promoted to Sergeant. This time I got it so that my troops would be able to contact me if need be.

I knew that I would be using it mainly for work so I need the simplest plan I could get, for as little cost as I could find. I settled on something called MetroPCS. MetroPCS is a local phone service that offers you unlimited minutes, no contract. I love that. Of course that first month those bastards, my troops, were calling me out the ass. It took a bit of getting use to, the damn thing constantly ringing (or whatever you call the sound cell phones make these days) and I contemplating getting rid of the damn thing just because of the annoyance factor; but I stuck it out.

I started off with the basic program. Basic equated to limited local calls and nothing else. Nothing else meant no caller ID, no call waiting and that I could receive text messages, but if you thought you were gonna get a text back…think again. All for a lovely monthly bill of $38.89. I was happy. Then, back in April the cheap ass phone fucked up and I had to do a phone upgrade. I figured, what the hell…I can always write it off as a business expense. I also upgraded to caller ID, unlimited texting, call waiting and all the other shit. Still a steal at a mere $48.98 a month.
I decided to get the caller ID because when I was at work every troop on deep night somehow managed to get my phone number. What the hell is up with that? Is there some kind of cell phone rule that says you can just randomly give out cell phone numbers to other people without the owner’s consent? Seriously. I promise you, I only gave out that my cell phone number to about seven or eight people at work, at the most, and now since I have gotten the caller id function, I have captured seventy additional numbers of people who call me with questions. People I know damn well I didn’t give my number to. (That’s right, I use that caller ID function like a damn spider’s web.) I guess I should feel flattered that various troops feel so comfortable calling me for help, but can I get someone to ask me before they just give out my digits?

So, here is the deal with my cell phone, now that I’m all comfortable with it and shit. I fear that I am becoming one of those people. You know the ones that I am talking about. Those that talk on the phone while they drive. Or blathering away while they shop or whatever. I hate those people. I mean, is it that serious that you can’t wait until you get home or to the office or wherever? That being said, I now find myself driving in my car and get the urge to reach out and touch someone. What makes this so sad is the fact that I’m not much of a telephone conversationist. I can stay and the house all day and never feel the urge to make a phone call but let me get out on the road and that phone is burning up my thighs like a lethal case of jock itch. And don’t even get me started on text messaging. I am addicted to that shyt. The first people that I text didn’t even believe it was me since I was the main one bitching about how useless text messaging was. Now I’m pretty sure I annoy the hell out of people with my texting. And can I just say that it is way more unsafe to text on your cell phone and drive than it is to talk on your cell phone and drive. And that is why I am gonna cut that shit out.

I realized that I was becoming one of those people when I was talking to my old partner while checking out at a department store. I was so busy carrying on the conversation I just barely nodded a thank you as I took my items and left. I think that shyt is extremely rude, but in my defense I did mutter an apology as I was leaving. It is this kind of disconnect from society that is going to be our down fall (that and taking “In God We Trust” of off money. LOL), and look at me playing a part in it.

I will say that I am still not as bad as most. For instance, if I walk out the house without my cell phone I don’t go into a teesy. I actually left it at home twice today, purposely. I know some people that would rather leave their kids home alone than their cell phones and that is not an exaggeration. I use to work with this one chick who would be on the phone constantly. You would think the thing was glued to her ear. One time we were working together and she had three phones; Her’s, her little brother’s and the city one. She had all three of those bad boys working at once, while she drove the squad car. You think I’m kidding, but I kid you not. It was amazing to see. I will say it was a little annoying as well. I mean she had asked me to ride with her and then she spends the majority of the time on the damn phone. What up with that?
However, she was still not as bad as the young lady I worked with when I was new to the department. Her ass would be on the phone as we were making an arrest. She would be talking and both me and the prisoner thought she was talking to us, but no, her ass was carrying on a conversation over her headset. Who the hell are you talking to at three o’clock in the morning? That bitch use to call me in the middle of the night, on my days off, to hold a conversation. I’m sleep damn it. If we ain’t fucking! Don’t call me!

Anyway, as you can see this posting had nothing to do with a constipated penis, but I bet it got your attention.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.

I Wear It Well!

For those of you who don’t know let me say it loud. I received my certificate that showed that I had completed all test both mental and physical back on the 13 day of November 1998. On that day they not only provided me with that big ass certificate (which they spelled my middle name wrong on) I also had my badge pinned onto my uniform, just over my heart. Every since that day I have worn both the badge and the uniform with honor and pride. PROUD I say! Say it with me…PROUD!

As a black man, for some reason, when my people see me in the uniform they see me as a sell out, an Uncle Tom. But fuck that. I wear this shit well! I have never understood why people who look like me always like to complain about the status quo and how there are not enough black officer out there and then when they get a black officer, who is working hard to be fair and make a difference for everyone, and they want to hate on them. What’s up with that crap? Somebody explain that shit to me.

Let’s get this straight, I have only been a cop for ten years but I have been black all my life. I know what it is like to live the hard life, be on food stamps and have your water turned off. I know what it’s like to have your ass beat down by life and an overly oppressive step-father. I know what it is like to have to work, work and work and still manage to hold up your head during the storm and the rain.
My ass is like Oprah Winfrey’s character, in the Color Purple. Hell, all my life I’ve had to fight. So I know how to relate to the under trotted; people who still believe that it takes longer for the cops to answer a call in their neighborhood just because of the skin tone of people who reside there. I know what it is like to have not. Why do you think my ass is so cheap now? It is because I live with that constant childhood fear of someday having nothing and ending up homeless in the street. Still, let’s get one thing straight, so I don’t ever have to say it again. When I strap on that vest, button up that shirt and sling on that gun belt, I wear that shit well. And although I wear it well, I have never and will never forget that under that blue uniform I am still a black man. Police work is what I do, being a strong, black man is what I live. So just like the kink of my hair, the ash of my skin, the fullness of my lips, I wear my uniform with just as much pride and dignity as I wear my skin tone.

I have worked hard, through bogus complaints, favoritism, being unjustly removed from a station, having my badge taken from me, for a day, and being suspended without pay, all in a world that is still predominantly white, with a good ole boy system. I’ve taken the tests and proved myself worthy to go from P.O, to Senior Corporal to Sergeant. I’ve had maced spit into my eyes, have maced myself, been lied on, bitten (twice), fought, ran from, had to jumped over fences only to land on my head, had a gun pulled on me, fell into bushes, rolled over a squad car, climbed out the passanger window and walked away without a scratch (thank you JESUS-I don’t care if some of you don’t believe) and just about everything else you can image, and never once, not once have I ever used unnecessary force, cursed anyone out, called anyone a derogatory name (except for this one guy I called an ignorant bastard, but he really was, I promise you-long story, maybe I’ll share it someday-Whew, he was mad at me. Called me an Alabama Monkey. My partner cracked up). I follow the letter of the law to the “t” and hold my ass accountable both in and out of uniform.

Just like it is an embarrassment to me when people that look like me do things that is a detriment to my race; the same hold true when people that wear the same uniform as me do the same kind of shit. Because I know that the actions of one only end up reflecting on many, even though it is not the many that are fucking up. And you know why that holds true? It is because people who dislike black people only need one example of ignorance, violence, and stupidity, whatever, to pass judgment and say: “See, that’s just how those people are.” The same whole true with people who dislike the police. I wish people could see just how closed minded and ignorant that type of mindset is. But I know I can’t change the world. But how much you wanna bet that I take a stab at it every time I put on that damn, blue uniform?

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace

Now, after all that is said and done, I would like to open up the blog for questions. I believe both Fuzzy and Raw Dawg did something like this so I’d like to jump on the band wagon. What would you like to know? Ask me and I will do my best to answer. All I ask is that you be respectful to me and my chosen profession. You can hate, but hate nicely.

In Whom Can I Trust?

Why is it that the wants of a few always seem to outweigh the wants of the many? Okay, maybe not always, but it seems like most of the time. Take Hillary Clinton for instance. Many want her ass to drop out of the race for the democratic nominee, but she is continuing to run based on the wants of a few (her and her husband). LOL. No, I’m just kidding. If she wants to continue to run I will not hate on her for that. You never know what might happen; the heifer could grow a penis, sport a ‘fro and come back full force. That’s not what this post is about anyway. I just felt like taking a pot shot at Hilary.

Seriously though, has anyone else besides me, noticed this? How the world seems to bend to the needs of a few crazy folks who know how to orchestrate a letter. Department stores and Christmas cards now read Happy Holiday’s instead of Merry Christmas. What’s up with that? Isn’t Jesus the reason for the season? Prayer was taken out of schools because of the protest of a few. So, instead of allowing the people who want their children to participate in prayer in school, they focus on the few who don’t. Are you telling me that five minutes are prayer is going to convert a child over to Christianity? That’s insanity! Most of them are too busy digging in their booties to even pay attention to want is being said anyway. I say, taint your damn child on your own time.

Now they have minted the new dollar coin and taken out the motto, “In God We Trust”. Plus, I am learning that they are also making post offices around the world take down any posters with this saying on them.

What the hell? I’m not understanding the reasoning behind this stupidity. Did I miss a memo or something? Can someone please tell me why we are taking God out of the equation? Because to me, taking God out is like removing the “c” out e=mc². Not that I ever truly understood that shit completely, but hell, I don’t always understand God either, but I know he has a purpose in my life.

Facts:

Did you know that it was way back on April 22, 1864 that Congress passed the Act that authorized the Mint Director to develop the design for IN GOD WE TRUST to be printed on the two cent coin? It would subsequently be placed on all U.S. Coinage until 1883 when it disappeared from the five cent coin, only to reappear in 1938, when Jefferson’s mug was placed on the nickel. In 1907 the motto was found to be missing from the new design of the double-eagle gold coin, but that was quickly remedied when based on a general demand, Congress ordered it restored and the Act of May 18, 1908 made it mandatory on all coins upon which it had previously appeared. Note: IN GOD WE TRUST was not mandatory on one cent and five cent coins, but could be inscribed on them based on the Secretary or the Mint Director with the Secretary’s approval.
It wasn’t all that long ago, July 30, 1956, that a law was passed by the 84th Congress that approved IN GOD WE TRUST to be the national motto of the United States. A year later that motto would be inscribed on all paper currency (the first time being on October 1, 1957).
And do you even know when the idea of having anything denoting America’s faith was even brought up as an issue? During the Civil War; That’s right’s, because of the deeply rooted “religious sentiment” that existed during this time of war, the Secretary of the Treasury was receiving many appeals from devout people throughout the country, urging the United States recognize the Deity of United Stated coins. ‘Cause you know those southern bastard believed that slave ownership was a God given right. Racist bastards! But the idea of recognizing God was still a good one on both sides.

Anyway, I thought I’d just give you a little background on the damn thing. My point is, why fuck with a good thing? I have always thought we build this country based on one facet of religion or another, so why change that? What is wrong with trusting in God? Hell, if you can’t trust him, who can you trust? You can’t trust the Police (yeah, I said it). You can’t trust the clergy. Hell, you can’t even always trust you own parents. I say you need someone to believe in beside yourself. I choose God, but maybe that’s just me.

In all honesty, it kind of scares me when we start removing God from the equation. We have all bore witness to what has started to happen in our schools since prayer was removed. I don’t know if it is just a coincidence or if God is trying to tell us something. But I, for one, don’t want to find out the hard way. My job is dangerous enough as it is, damn it! I say if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Don’t get me wrong. I think some change is good and necessary, but taking the motto IN GOD WE TRUST is neither of the two.
But hell, you know me. That’s just….

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.
In GOD I will always trust. Everybody else can bite me.

Road Rage

I have road rage issues. Before I go any further let me just clarify and say that officially the law considers Road Rage as being when a driver gets so upset with another driver that it leads to violent behavior. Now my road rage isn’t to this extreme, by any means, however, the issues still exist. I just hate stupid ass people who don’t know how to drive their fucking cars! I mean, seriously, how hard is it to drive your fucking car? You got a freaking license; now show me that you deserve the damn thing!

1. For instance: when the light turns green, that shit means go, so GO already. Sure, look both ways because people are stupid, but complete a freaking open air sketch of the damn intersection.
2. Don’t get put on your blinker to get in front of me and then go slow. What the fuck? I can’t stand when I have a nice little speed working and some idiot moves over into my lane and slows the fuck down. You could have stayed in your own fucking lane to go slow. Move the fuck out of my way!
3. Don’t ride all up on my ass! We are not dating and you don’t know me like that. Now, if I was one of those slow ass drivers then maybe I could understand, but since I know I am already going pretty fast to begin with than yo ass either needs to slow down or go the fuck around. If you are close enough that I can see the boogers in your nose you might want to back the fuck off!
4. How long does it take to make a fucking right hand turn? Turn already, damn it. It ain’t that hard. And if I am in the other lane, why the fuck do you have to move into my lane to maneuver your car in order to make that turn. That shit is crazy to me.
5. Bus drivers and eighteen wheelers, if you can’t keep that bitch in a single lane of traffic than turn in your CDL, cause you don’t know what the fuck you are doing. I know that bitch is big that you are driving, but it is your duty to keep that motherfucker in your own lane of traffic. Don’t veer over into mine, you stupid bastard.
6. We all do know that you can make a fucking right hand turn on red, right? As long as it is safe to do so. That being said, don’t hold my ass up because your dumb ass is too afraid to turn the fucking corner. Nothing pisses me off more than a person who waits for the light to turn fucking green before that make that fucking right hand turn. Turn the fucking corner already. Damn, I got places to go.
7. Get off the fucking phone. Seriously, if you can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, what the hell makes you think you can operate a motor vehicle and hold a conversation on the phone? Don’t get me wrong, some people can do it, but the majority of you bastards can’t, so stop it all ready. Damn, that shit bugs the fuck out of me.
8. Why is you fat ass eating a hamburger, fries and drinking a large shake, while trying to drive? Is it that serious? You couldn’t eat the shit there are wait till you got to your destination. Are you really that hungry? Maybe you should keep a few crackers in your car instead. Okay, I don’t have a problem with the shake, but why do you have a burger in one hand, while stuffing fries in your mouth with the other. That shit ain’t safe.
9. Can the blow job wait until you make it home? Oh the things you see when you sit high above other cars. Why is any one sucking anybody else’s dick while they are driving? Is it Christmas? Did he save your life? This shit can’t wait until you get home and if it can’t, can you at least find a place to park? Damn!
10. Slow ass drivers! What the fuck is this, a school zone. Why in the fuck can you not move your ass out the way? The speed limit says 35, can I at least get you to go that fast. Just the speed limit, that is all I am asking. Why are you driving like your ass is constipated? Move out the fucking way!
11. Don’t even get me started on funeral procession. I know, I know. Ain’t that horrible? But damn, how many people did you touch before you died and do all of their asses have to go to the damn grave site? And if the answer is yes than they at least car pool, damn.

See, this is why I rarely leave the fucking house. Other people’s driving skills drive me nuts. I cuss more in my car than I do on this fucking blog. My family has accused me of driving crazy. They even said I was the reason that my little sister almost had my nephew early. Whatever, we were late for a graduation, damn it. It was a false alarm anyway.
Besides, I am a damn safe driver. It is all the other idiots out there, that I have to drive for (you know what I mean) that makes it seem otherwise. Maneuvering the streets these days is like a game of football. I find myself playing both offense and defense. I wonder if they cuss as much in football.

True story:
Before my nephew was a good one year old and was learning to talk, he was riding in the back seat of my car. I loved having him in the car with me because you could hear him muttering out words and every now and again he would use real ones and I was always amazed. My little man was learning to talk and he isn’t even one yet. He still couldn’t say my name, but that’s all good, he was with me the least amount of time.
Well, as I am driving him home I hear him behind me saying; “C’mon truck. C’mon car.” I mean, just randomly saying it as we were driving. If you could have been in the car with me you would have thought it was the cutest thing you had ever heard. So, I am smiling as I listen to my little nephew. I can’t wait to get him home so I can ask my sister what kind of shows he is watching where he picked this up. Have they being watching the races or something?
We get to a stop light, and I am sitting behind this lady driving a SUV. The light turns green and she just sits there. There are no cars coming in the opposite direction so why are we not going?
Uncle One Man: “C’MON CAR!”

What the hell? I am not spending anywhere near enough time around this little boy for him to be mimicking me. Thank goodness I don’t cuss around my family, and never around little kids.

-One Man’s Opinion. Peace.